Yes, I confess that I have been M.I.A. from here the past 2 weeks.

Some of you may be wondering, “Really Carin, WTF have you been!?!”

The short of the long is that I had a some immediate administrative  curve balls to deal with in my private practice and I had no other choice but to put all other work, writing, etc. on hold.  That said, I surrendered to the paper shit storm and guess what?  It sucked.  Actually, it sucked bad  and maybe even beyond bad.  In fact, here’s a visual of how I felt:  Picture a 3 year old old girl tantruming on the floor with her arms and legs legs flailing in the air screaming, “I. Don’t. Want. To. Do. This!!!!”

Yup.  That’s how I felt.  I hated every minute of having to let go of my schedule.

However, my torturous surrender was smart.  Letting go of my need to be in control was very very smart.

Why?  Because it forced me to look at the 4 Ways of Living that Sabotage a Wife From Being Smart:

1) Striving for perfection –  It just doesn’t work.  In fact, it will do the opposite by creating a more stressful and anxiety ridden daily existence for you and hold you back from growing and evolving.

2) Assuming you always have the all the answers –  It’s one thing to trust that you will always arrive to an answer; it’s another thing to assume that you always have the answer.  Think of it this way:  If you hold a glass literally right up to your eyes, all you see is the glass and nothing else.  If you create space between you and the glass, you have room for more perspective and vision.  It’s the same thing when you hold all “your answers” up close to you without making room for understanding and knowing more.

3) Living with unrealistic expectations –  This goes hand in hand with perfection.   Holding on to belief systems (whether old or new) which are not in sync with your daily routine will only cause exhaustion, stress, and dissatisfaction for you.

4) Fighting the tide –  This says it all.  As uncomfortable as the waves of life are (and some days more than others), fighting it will only make it worse.  When curve balls come your way, feeling frustrated, angry and uncomfortable with the unexpected hiccup is okay.  Fighting the curve ball will only make you go from feeling like you want to scream like 3 year old to actually screaming like a 3 year old.

Hmmmm…now that would not be smart.

So there you have it, ladies:  Four imperative things to pay close attention to when striving to live a smart wife life.  Oh and by the way:  just because I write this, doesn’t mean it’s any easier for me.  I mean come on – if you think writing this post wasn’t also to help give me my own smart wife kick in the ass, then think again…

Come back Thursday for a Mother’s Day P.S.A….

Are you and your old boyfriend engaging in some “harmless” Facebook flirting?

Do you and girlfriend’s husband engage in provocative sexual jokes over text?

Are you and your male co-worker grabbing one too many drinks after work before heading home to your significant others?

If any of the above are you, you might be engaging or at least beginning to engage in an emotional affair, hence avoiding the real issues in your own marriage.  Recently, I read this fantastic article by an esteemed colleague and one of my favorite marriage experts, Michele Weiner – Davis:

Check out   Emotional Affairs and Infidelity.

It’s very smart article and worth your while.

As Spring Break still envelopes my entire being, I thought I would share with you some of my 5 minute quick fixes which help ground me during my children’s 2 week mutiny:

1.  Journal – As much of a pain in the ass it can be to literally stop what I’m doing, sit down and just write down my feelings, usually within 2 minutes I start to gain perspective on what is really triggering my uneasy feelings.  Hence, my world starts to feel a bit more manageable.

2.  Make a coffee or cocktail date with a friend – Spending time with my closest girlfriends (especially over a vodka gimlet) is like medicine for my soul.  So if every day life is starting to take it’s toll, email your closest gal pal with a few calendar dates and get a finite plan in the books.  A smart wife makes sure she has play dates too.

3.  Make an appointment with “exercise” – We’ve all been there where the inspired thought, “I’m gonna exercise today!” just doesn’t happen.  That said, make yourself accountable and put it in the books as you would any other appointment.  Most importantly, remember how the benefits of exercise influence your mental and physical well being.

4.  Tidy up your house –  Not to get all feng shui here, but when my physical surroundings are in more order I can definitely think and react to those around me with a clearer mind.

5.  Plan a date night with your husband – Yes, the play dates should not end with just your gal pal.  Also, if cost is a concern, check out my date night post from last year.  Be creative, be smart, and book the next available Saturday night for the two of you.

And to any of you who are knee deep within your own Spring Break saga:  May the force be with you…

Okay. I admit it…

I have a huge girl crush and her name is…Gwyneth Paltrow.

Yes, it’s true and for any of you who may be rolling your eyes right now read this:

SHE’S F*CKING SMART.

Yup, she’s one smart cookie and so is her very mindful lifestyle blog, GOOP — especially the posts pertaining to relationships, parenting, and health.  I was struck by her most recent post titled Co-Committed where she talks about the book Conscious Loving and how greatly the book has impacted her life when it comes to her relationships.

Coincidentally, I am looking at the book right now sitting on my office shelf and let me tell you:

The book is f*cking smart.

So be smart and check out Gwyneth’s Conscious Loving post and/or buy the book HERE.

Come back Thursday for more smart wife tips…

During a visit last week to our local bookstore I was stopped by a moment or irony and humor:  I was looking  for a specific book (different than the ones above ’cause I already own both).  Suddenly, I noticed the above stack of books on one of the shelves and thought to myself, “DUH…of course there’s only ONE of The Male Brain books left” while the stack of The Female Brain looked as if the “audience” it was written for had no interest in purchasing it…

It was the ultimate Kodak moment and within seconds I whipped out my phone to take the above picture for you all to not only see, but to make peace with:

Ladies, your man does not think like you nor like any of your friends with a vagina.  Most men are just not as hungry as we women are to know the why, the how, the who and any other crumb of an answer to explain to us why the world ticks the way it does.  If sometimes you find yourself feeling annoyed and frustrated by his disinterest in certain things (compared to you), take solace in the fact that he’ll probably never be as complicated as you or your girlfriends and that can actually be very refreshing at times.

However, know that just because he’s not running to buy The Female Brain as quickly as you sprinted to buy, read and tell all of your girlfriends about The Male Brain, that that bears no meaning on his committment to you and the relationship.  Sometimes, men just respond to the world differently than we do and visa-verse.

So for the sake of you and your marriage, be smart and just accept what I have shared here with you all today.

Come back next Tuesday for more smart marriage tips!

Over the years I’ve been troubled by how many women I know both personally and professionally who consistently seek (and pay A LOT of money for) the advice of psychics.  I call this Psychic Addiction.  When the going gets tough in a woman’s love life or marriage, instead of being able to trust that she will be okay and that she’ll survive the hard times, instead she seeks a psychic to feed her a magic pill of hope.  She is a woman who has never learned to trust herself.

Ladies…psychic addiction is a true dilemma and is the furthest thing from smart.  If you are caught in the psychic addiction web or even tend to “dab” here and there, then please watch this Your Tango video which will hopefully shed a different light:

Be on the look out  for our Valentine’s Giveaway/Contest over the next few days!

One of the most KEY ingredients to having a satisfying marriage just might be at your fingertips so watch the video below and then after, make sure you read the article below the video:

So now that you’ve watched the video, read the following article http://www.women.com/reinventing-yourself/ and let me know what you think!

There’s an old saying:  Ignorance is bliss.

Hmmmm…

Well, when it comes to your marriage…not so much. It’s more like:  Ignornace is piss.

(Sorry for the potty humor – - clearly I’m around 6 year old boys too much.)

Let’s face it ladies:  not being aware of what’s not working in your marriage is a recipe for a disaster.  So coming off the heels of Tuesday’s post about how your past can effect your confidence within your marriage, I decided to share another of my Your Tango videos about how your unawareness of old unhealthy relationships can effect not only the kind of partner you choose, but how you choose to be in the relationship.

So to all my divorcee ladies out there, if you’re worried about making similar choices the second time around, have no fear and watch today’s video for some good tips:

Over the years I have seen countless women both professionally and personally who without being aware, slip into an insecure, child-like place in their marriage, lacking any confidence to just be themselves.  This can happen to any woman for many different reasons.  However, I have seen many wives who, because they have never worked through their own child hood inferiority complex, have now  unconsciously displaced childhood feelings into their marriage.

Ladies, let me tell you right now that this is a dangerous and unsafe place for ANY of your to be.  Think about it: would ANY person in a marriage be safe if a child was the one making all sorts of emotional decisions in the marriage?  The answer is simple:  Disaster beyond comprehension.

So..if you’re one of those women who feels like an adult in every other place in your life (ie: work -place, parenting, friends, etc.) except in your marriage, here are 5 steps to help you find and hold onto the adult (you) in your marriage:

1. Name what your current fear based feelings are in your marriage – Examples: Do you feel fear when your husband makes a critical remark toward you?  Do you feel flooded with anger when your husband walks away from you in the middle of a conversation?
2. Connect the fear based feeling to the past – Is your fear based reaction to your husband’s vocal criticism reminiscent of your father criticizing your behavior at 8 years old? Is the anger you feel when your husband walks away from you in mid-sentence a jarring reminder of your mother walking away from you at age 6 while you were in tears out of sheer frustration?
3. Send it back to where it belongs (out of your marriage!) – Once you are able to connect the dots, take a moment alone to visualize yourself boxing that feeling and sending it away back into your past where it belongs.   Close the door to that past memory, throw away the key and walk away.
4. 4. Visualize examples of where/when you feel confident today – Think of moments in the present where you feel like a confident adult who trusts herself with the highest esteem:  with close friends, at the work place, as a parent with your children, etc.  Get very specific with the example you choose and literally visualize how confident you feel in that space.
5. Place the visual into the present. Own it. – With your new visual, place it now in the present: in your marriage.  Embody that confident adult no matter what you feel comes your way in your relationship.

Obviously, sharing these 5 steps with you is pretty simple…executing them is the challenge.  However, with time, practice, and trust in your abilities, I know that you can achieve all 5 steps if you are willing push through the process.  In time, the feelings of your past will become less and how you react in your marriage will no longer be weighed down by your anxiety from the past.

Happy New Year to you all!!!  Now let’s cut to the chase:

Just because I write and create these videos about how to be smarter in your marriage doesn’t mean that I’m always perfect (hardly, and if anyone tells you that they are, ask them what he or she is smoking).  I’m a work in progress just like the rest of you and to prove it I’d like to share with you my Top 10 “Wife” Resolutions for 2012:

1. Listen better –  This means that when my husband is talking to me, I’m practicing setting aside my own ego driven thoughts, feelings, mental rants so that I can give myself the chance to actually understand him (imagine that, right??).  And yes, he may not be conscious of it but when I’m not really listening, he probably feels it.  Hence, listening to him all around is SMART.
2. Validate what he does do –  Here’s the hard cold facts:   His idea of “helping me” is constantly loading up the washer with the kids’ laundry.  My fantasy idea of him “helping me” is him throwing the kids in the car on a Saturday at 8:00 am (without me even asking – oh how delicious) for a fun filled morning and not returning with them till lunch time.  For now, it’s just smarter for me to say “thank you” to what he is already doing and not turn into a constant complaining bitch.
3. Offer more hugs to him –  If I need and expect the hugs so badly, then why wouldn’t he?
4. Stop complaining ad nauseum about whatever –  Talking like a victim is just note sexy.  Period.
5. Accept responsibility –  Just own it rather than spending endless minutes trying to explain to him why I feel like I’m not wrong.  Basically, validate his damn feelings for pete’s sake.  Would it kill me? No…it wouldn’t.
6. Once the kids are in bed, less time on Facebook, and more time time with husband -  I know very well that actions speak louder than words to him.
7. Clean up enabling patterns from 2011 –  Ewwwww.  God dammit, I did it again this year.  Time to clean up any of “those” bad habits that sprung up again this past year.
8. Postpone serious conversations when I’ve only had 3 hours of sleep – Oh, yes.  I tripped over that one this past year and it was not pretty.  I might as well have loaded up on some hallucinogenic, agro-steroid drug and tried talking to him then.  Note to self:  Be smart and go the f*** to bed.
9. Remind myself that under his tough, alpha exterior, that he has feelings too –  Having a penis does not equal absence of feelings…quite the contrary.
10. Surrender more to the fact that it’s not my job to fix him/help him/change him, etc. –  My job is to help me.  As far as him, my job is to allow him to be in charge of his own journey and be of support when needed.  With that said, God help me…

So there you have it folks…My personal Top 10 “Wife” Resolutions for 2012.   What are YOURS?? We’d love to hear from you…write us or leave a comment below.

Also, check out my article on Women.com – Top 10 Basic Needs for Every Woman in 2012.  Enjoy and come back on Thursday for more New Year’s tips!