Over the years I have seen countless women both professionally and personally who without being aware, slip into an insecure, child-like place in their marriage, lacking any confidence to just be themselves. This can happen to any woman for many different reasons. However, I have seen many wives who, because they have never worked through their own child hood inferiority complex, have now unconsciously displaced childhood feelings into their marriage.
Ladies, let me tell you right now that this is a dangerous and unsafe place for ANY of your to be. Think about it: would ANY person in a marriage be safe if a child was the one making all sorts of emotional decisions in the marriage? The answer is simple: Disaster beyond comprehension.
So..if you’re one of those women who feels like an adult in every other place in your life (ie: work -place, parenting, friends, etc.) except in your marriage, here are 5 steps to help you find and hold onto the adult (you) in your marriage:
- Name what your current fear based feelings are in your marriage – Examples: Do you feel fear when your husband makes a critical remark toward you? Do you feel flooded with anger when your husband walks away from you in the middle of a conversation?
- Connect the fear based feeling to the past – Is your fear based reaction to your husband’s vocal criticism reminiscent of your father criticizing your behavior at 8 years old? Is the anger you feel when your husband walks away from you in mid-sentence a jarring reminder of your mother walking away from you at age 6 while you were in tears out of sheer frustration?
- Send it back to where it belongs (out of your marriage!) – Once you are able to connect the dots, take a moment alone to visualize yourself boxing that feeling and sending it away back into your past where it belongs. Close the door to that past memory, throw away the key and walk away.
- 4. Visualize examples of where/when you feel confident today – Think of moments in the present where you feel like a confident adult who trusts herself with the highest esteem: with close friends, at the work place, as a parent with your children, etc. Get very specific with the example you choose and literally visualize how confident you feel in that space.
- Place the visual into the present. Own it. – With your new visual, place it now in the present: in your marriage. Embody that confident adult no matter what you feel comes your way in your relationship.
Obviously, sharing these 5 steps with you is pretty simple…executing them is the challenge. However, with time, practice, and trust in your abilities, I know that you can achieve all 5 steps if you are willing push through the process. In time, the feelings of your past will become less and how you react in your marriage will no longer be weighed down by your anxiety from the past.
image via e-forwards.com
Happy New Year to you all!!! Now let’s cut to the chase:
Just because I write and create these videos about how to be smarter in your marriage doesn’t mean that I’m always perfect (hardly, and if anyone tells you that they are, ask them what he or she is smoking). I’m a work in progress just like the rest of you and to prove it I’d like to share with you my Top 10 “Wife” Resolutions for 2012:
- Listen better – This means that when my husband is talking to me, I’m practicing setting aside my own ego driven thoughts, feelings, mental rants so that I can give myself the chance to actually understand him (imagine that, right??). And yes, he may not be conscious of it but when I’m not really listening, he probably feels it. Hence, listening to him all around is SMART.
- Validate what he does do – Here’s the hard cold facts: His idea of “helping me” is constantly loading up the washer with the kids’ laundry. My fantasy idea of him “helping me” is him throwing the kids in the car on a Saturday at 8:00 am (without me even asking – oh how delicious) for a fun filled morning and not returning with them till lunch time. For now, it’s just smarter for me to say “thank you” to what he is already doing and not turn into a constant complaining bitch.
- Offer more hugs to him – If I need and expect the hugs so badly, then why wouldn’t he?
- Stop complaining ad nauseum about whatever – Talking like a victim is just note sexy. Period.
- Accept responsibility – Just own it rather than spending endless minutes trying to explain to him why I feel like I’m not wrong. Basically, validate his damn feelings for pete’s sake. Would it kill me? No…it wouldn’t.
- Once the kids are in bed, less time on Facebook, and more time time with husband - I know very well that actions speak louder than words to him.
- Clean up enabling patterns from 2011 – Ewwwww. God dammit, I did it again this year. Time to clean up any of “those” bad habits that sprung up again this past year.
- Postpone serious conversations when I’ve only had 3 hours of sleep – Oh, yes. I tripped over that one this past year and it was not pretty. I might as well have loaded up on some hallucinogenic, agro-steroid drug and tried talking to him then. Note to self: Be smart and go the f*** to bed.
- Remind myself that under his tough, alpha exterior, that he has feelings too – Having a penis does not equal absence of feelings…quite the contrary.
- Surrender more to the fact that it’s not my job to fix him/help him/change him, etc. – My job is to help me. As far as him, my job is to allow him to be in charge of his own journey and be of support when needed. With that said, God help me…
So there you have it folks…My personal Top 10 “Wife” Resolutions for 2012. What are YOURS?? We’d love to hear from you…write us or leave a comment below.
Also, check out my article on Women.com – Top 10 Basic Needs for Every Woman in 2012. Enjoy and come back on Thursday for more New Year’s tips!
Sh*t.
Another year just FRIKKIN’ FLEW by…
…and so will next year.
That being said, what will YOU do to make your new “wife year” different, better, happier, healthier, stronger, more satisfying, SMARTER, etc.??
(I’ll tell you what I’m focusing on doing, but that’s one of my posts for next week…ha.)
Ladies, it’s a brand new f*cking year and the only person who can make it better is YOU, so let’s close out the year with our top BTSW posts from 2011…
…but before I do allow me to say THANK YOU to all of you who tune in here every week and who write in with your comments, questions, thoughts, feelings, etc…I appreciate each and every one of you. Stay tuned to 2012 as “Be the Smart Wife” brings you a “whole lot-ta” new and different nuggets through out the new year!
Top 10 Posts of 2011
#1 Your husband Wants a Threesome?!?!
#2 Date Night Options for Any Couple
#3 What to do With Those Damn Feelings
#4 One Very Simple Tip to Rev Up the Sex
#5 The Difference Between Him and Her
#6 You’re beating a Dead Horse
#8 Don’t be the Dummy Wife Like I Was Last Month
#9 The False Alarm D-bomb is a Big No-No
#10 Here’s How You May be Torturing Yourself in your Marriage
Posts will resume again after Jan 2nd so see you all then and HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!
Want to give him the gift that keeps on giving….TO YOU??
How could I not encourage you in Tuesday’s post to purchase for you the book, The Male Brain, without sending you all to the on-line stores to purchase for HIM….THE FEMALE BRAIN.
Yes…you read that correct: The Female Brain, by Dr. Louann Brizendine, M.D. is the prequel to her book The Male Brain. In The Female Brain, she “brings together the latest findings to show how the unique structure of the female brain determines how women think, what they value, how they communicate, and whom they’ll love. Brizendine reveals the neurological explanations behind why:
• A woman knows what people are feeling, while a man can’t spot an emotion unless somebody cries or threatens bodily harm
• Thoughts about sex enter a woman’s brain once every couple of days but enter a man’s brain about once every minute
• A woman remembers fights that a man insists never happened.”
Etc…etc…etc…
Um. What are you waiting for??? Buy this book for him THIS HOLIDAY because clearly…that would be smart.
Yup.
It’s THAT time.
Love it or hate it, the holidays are HERE and the last thing I want to see all you wives do is stress out unnecessarily. That said, ParentsAsk and I put together my Top Five You Tube Do’s and Don’ts for Surviving the Holidays with your loved one.
Make sure you watch the ENTIRE playlist as there is some You Tube footage you don’t want to miss! Enjoy…
OK, here’s the deal…I’m being SMART and here’s how:
My husband is gone for a MONTH on business (yes, a f***ing month), hence I am in full on airborne ranger mode with keeping the house, the kids, and my work above water. That said, (as I’m sure you’ve seen) I’ve had to put the pause button on the video posts until later this month. However, my twice weekly posts will still be going up at least in written form. Thanks for your patience and for today, check out one of my many articles from ParentsAsk.com: Is It Okay to Go to Bed Angry? Read the article to find out my thoughts about the SMARTER way to handle the situation…
image via thetwitterthings20.blogspot.com
So what exactly is a “SMART WIFE”?
That’s a DAMN good question and as we continue to shape the voice of this blog, I have decided to share our evolving process here with YOU.
That said, here’s my first answer……………….there is no ONE answer.
But I will tell you this: A SMART wife is connected to her core, or what I like to call, a trust within herself. That ‘TRUST” within (or lack there of) connects to a plethora of different parts: her emotions, thoughts, beliefs, values, expectations, etc. Between now and the end of the year, I will be sharing with you all some very important thoughts, tips and ideas that a “Smart Wife” should seriously embody. Below is one of my top ten lists to share and over the next 5 weeks, I will go into specific detail (via written posts and videos) for each number. So for now, I hope you take the time to let the following list marinate in your thoughts:
The Top 10 Mistaken Beliefs a Smart Wife Must Let Go Of
- Perfection exists (in people, marriage, the world, etc.)
- Her husband thinks like her
- Lack of sex is no big deal
- Controlling actions are okay
- She knows better than he
- Because he’s a man he’s not interested in connecting with her
- Everyone’s needs come before hers
- Marriage is Black and White
- Love is unconditional
- A long lasting healthy marriage should be effortless
Remember, the above are FALSE beliefs. Let go of them. Your marriage will thank you.
image via karing4u.blogspot.com
Come back Thursday for my thoughts about false belief #1: Perfection exists…(NOT)
Don’t Forget: CONTEST ENDS TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT!!
Don’t forget to enter last week’s CONTEST to win a free copy of Jenna McCarthy’s new book, “If It Was Easy They’d Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living With and Loving the TV-Addicted, Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married.”
Check out Jenna’s hilarious book trailer and if you want the book no matter what, order her book NOW!
Also, check out Jenna’s interview on the TODAY show where she talks about this genius book.
The two winners will be notified this Wednesday October 12th — Good luck!!
Is this you???
If the answer is yes, then check out my newest video from Your Tango’s “Ask an Expert” series where I address this very common issue among many couples out there…
CONTEST! CONTEST! CONTEST!
Don’t forget to enter this week’s CONTEST to win a free copy of Jenna McCarthy’s new book, “If It Was Easy They’d Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living With and Loving the TV-Addicted, Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married.”
Check out Jenna’s hilarious book trailer and order her book NOW!
Also, check out Jenna’s interview on the TODAY show where she talks about this genius book.
In this past Tuesday’s post I was thrilled to share with you all the book trailer for Jenna McCarthy’s new book, “If It Was Easy They’d Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon:Living With and Loving the TV-Addicted, Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married.”
To tell you that Jenna is one of the most hilarious female writers out there would not be doing her writing justice, so I took it upon myself to share with you all 10 questions I asked Jenna about marriage, husbands and her experience as a wife. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did:
(and don’t forget to sign up for our CONTEST where we’re giving away 2 of her books!)
Click here for our CONTEST details on how to win a copy of her new book OR you can pre-order it NOW!
To see more of Jenna, tune into the TODAY show on Monday October 3rd, so set your DVRs now!
When you said “I do,” you promised you’d stick it out no matter how sick, poor or miserable you got. Now you realize till death do us part is a really long time. Happily ever after? Perhaps a slight exaggeration…
The above quote was written by the hilarious author (and new friend) Jenna McCarthy whose book, “If It Was Easy They’d Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living With and Loving the TV-Addicted, Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married“ is available for pre-order NOW!
Trust me when I tell you that this author is H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S and to wet your appetite, check out below the book trailer as well as details on how to win a free copy of Jenna’s new book!
WIN A COPY OF JENNA McCARTHY’S BOOK HERE!
Send me a juicy, honest and/or hilarious answer to this question:
Which one of your husband’s “habits” have you learned to accept and live with?? (Hence you’re being SMART because we all have to pick our battles in marriage)
Seriously. That’s ALL you have to do! On Tuesday October 11th I will pick 2 random winners!
Want MORE chances to win? Well then, keep reading…
1) Follow me on TWITTER and RT this:
Want some healthy marriage laughs? Follow and RT @BeTheSmartWife to win a copy of @jennawrites latest new book http://bit.ly/odoyWW #BTSWcontest
2) If you have a blog, link back to this post and contact me via my contact form telling me you did so, with the link so I can find it.
3) On the “Be the Smart Wife” Facebook page, leave a comment there and tell me your latest SMART WIFE tip. Your single comment could win!
Good luck! Looking forward to reading all of your own marriage tales and laughs…
Come back on Friday to read one of the funniest Q and A’s between myself and Jenna McCarthy where she shares with us her witty and wise thoughts about marriage!
