Ladies, I’m on my annual Mother’s Day soap box so make sure to watch today’s video below:
Yes, I confess that I have been M.I.A. from here the past 2 weeks.
Some of you may be wondering, “Really Carin, WTF have you been!?!”
The short of the long is that I had a some immediate administrative curve balls to deal with in my private practice and I had no other choice but to put all other work, writing, etc. on hold. That said, I surrendered to the paper shit storm and guess what? It sucked. Actually, it sucked bad and maybe even beyond bad. In fact, here’s a visual of how I felt: Picture a 3 year old old girl tantruming on the floor with her arms and legs legs flailing in the air screaming, “I. Don’t. Want. To. Do. This!!!!”
Yup. That’s how I felt. I hated every minute of having to let go of my schedule.
However, my torturous surrender was smart. Letting go of my need to be in control was very very smart.
Why? Because it forced me to look at the 4 Ways of Living that Sabotage a Wife From Being Smart:
1) Striving for perfection – It just doesn’t work. In fact, it will do the opposite by creating a more stressful and anxiety ridden daily existence for you and hold you back from growing and evolving.
2) Assuming you always have the all the answers – It’s one thing to trust that you will always arrive to an answer; it’s another thing to assume that you always have the answer. Think of it this way: If you hold a glass literally right up to your eyes, all you see is the glass and nothing else. If you create space between you and the glass, you have room for more perspective and vision. It’s the same thing when you hold all “your answers” up close to you without making room for understanding and knowing more.
3) Living with unrealistic expectations – This goes hand in hand with perfection. Holding on to belief systems (whether old or new) which are not in sync with your daily routine will only cause exhaustion, stress, and dissatisfaction for you.
4) Fighting the tide – This says it all. As uncomfortable as the waves of life are (and some days more than others), fighting it will only make it worse. When curve balls come your way, feeling frustrated, angry and uncomfortable with the unexpected hiccup is okay. Fighting the curve ball will only make you go from feeling like you want to scream like 3 year old to actually screaming like a 3 year old.
Hmmmm…now that would not be smart.
So there you have it, ladies: Four imperative things to pay close attention to when striving to live a smart wife life. Oh and by the way: just because I write this, doesn’t mean it’s any easier for me. I mean come on – if you think writing this post wasn’t also to help give me my own smart wife kick in the ass, then think again…
Come back Thursday for a Mother’s Day P.S.A….
Are you making your relationship more important to you than you are to yourself? Are you trying to make the relationship work with someone else who is not? If so, you may be displaying co-dependent behaviors in your marriage. Check out 5 examples which might resonate for you:
1. Over pleasing – Consistently taking care of your spouse’s needs before yours. For some, it’s as severe as only caring for your husband’s needs and completely ignoring yours.
2. Need to control the other’s thoughts/feelings – You find it painful and intolerant for your husband to have a thought, feeling or opinion that is different than yours. As a result you consistently accuse your husband for being wrong and your husband regularly complains that you only care about you.
3. Always pleading guilty – In an argument or conflict with your spouse you allow yourself to be a victim by always taking the blame in order to “fix” the situation.
4. Over critical to yourself and other – You have a strong internal critic and consistently beat yourself up even in situations where you should feel positive about yourself. You spend excessive energy having a critical view of your spouse.
5. Non accepting of your own feelings – Having a wide range of feelings is non existent for you. Anger and sadness are emotions that are difficult for you to even allow yourself to experience.
…and the list can go on for many. That said, if you think that you are stuck in a codependent cycle with your loved one then I (once again) highly recommend the book Conscious Loving which help you understand the true difference between a codependent relationship and a healthy adult relationship.
So if any of the above is you, be smart and read Conscious Loving.
As Spring Break still envelopes my entire being, I thought I would share with you some of my 5 minute quick fixes which help ground me during my children’s 2 week mutiny:
1. Journal – As much of a pain in the ass it can be to literally stop what I’m doing, sit down and just write down my feelings, usually within 2 minutes I start to gain perspective on what is really triggering my uneasy feelings. Hence, my world starts to feel a bit more manageable.
2. Make a coffee or cocktail date with a friend – Spending time with my closest girlfriends (especially over a vodka gimlet) is like medicine for my soul. So if every day life is starting to take it’s toll, email your closest gal pal with a few calendar dates and get a finite plan in the books. A smart wife makes sure she has play dates too.
3. Make an appointment with “exercise” – We’ve all been there where the inspired thought, “I’m gonna exercise today!” just doesn’t happen. That said, make yourself accountable and put it in the books as you would any other appointment. Most importantly, remember how the benefits of exercise influence your mental and physical well being.
4. Tidy up your house – Not to get all feng shui here, but when my physical surroundings are in more order I can definitely think and react to those around me with a clearer mind.
5. Plan a date night with your husband – Yes, the play dates should not end with just your gal pal. Also, if cost is a concern, check out my date night post from last year. Be creative, be smart, and book the next available Saturday night for the two of you.
And to any of you who are knee deep within your own Spring Break saga: May the force be with you…
image via 1420wackmorningshow.blogspot.com
For those of you who feel that the world is too complicated, thus you fantasize about living the life of a “50’s housewife,” allow me to enlighten you about how the wives of 1955 were given the ultimate not smart compass. Read below and excuse me while I go vomit…
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc., and then run a dust cloth over the tables. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first — remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. A good wife always knows her place.
Ummm…if you any of you are using the above as your “wife template,” please (I BEG of you) start re-reading and re-viewing my blog posts starting from the first post and continue on.
Oh and by the way, please remember: slavery ended a long time ago…
Over the years I’ve been troubled by how many women I know both personally and professionally who consistently seek (and pay A LOT of money for) the advice of psychics. I call this Psychic Addiction. When the going gets tough in a woman’s love life or marriage, instead of being able to trust that she will be okay and that she’ll survive the hard times, instead she seeks a psychic to feed her a magic pill of hope. She is a woman who has never learned to trust herself.
Ladies…psychic addiction is a true dilemma and is the furthest thing from smart. If you are caught in the psychic addiction web or even tend to “dab” here and there, then please watch this Your Tango video which will hopefully shed a different light:
Be on the look out for our Valentine’s Giveaway/Contest over the next few days!
OMG…Ladies!
Ever heard of iPeriod??? If not, you need to.
The brilliant app tracks your menstrual cycle while sending you alerts that your monthly “frenemy” is days away.
Now here’s what’s genius: The wife-friend who told me about iPeriod also had her husband download the app so that HE is geared up and ready for her monthly hormonal adventure. Ummm…that’s more than smart — it’s frikkin’ genius…for BOTH of you.
So go on ladies…sign up for iPeriod and make sure your husband does too. COME ON! Send it to him because it’s the closest he’ll ever get to having a vagina (aka: your fantasy of him even remotely thinking like your best girlfriend).
Enjoy! ;)
image via winkpass.com/iperiod.html
Come back Thursday for more Smart Wife tips…
One of the most KEY ingredients to having a satisfying marriage just might be at your fingertips so watch the video below and then after, make sure you read the article below the video:
So now that you’ve watched the video, read the following article http://www.women.com/reinventing-yourself/ and let me know what you think!
Growing up in earthquake friendly California I became very familiar with the safety drill, “Drop, Cover, Hold on.” Once the rumbling under my feet began to quiver, that’s exactly what did.
But today, let’s talk about the rumbling you’re feeling as a result of your anger. Yes, possibly anger you feel toward your husband. However, the big ole’ problem for many is that you’re not even aware of it, hence it’s spilling out sideways making an unnecessary mess for both you and him. So let’s look at 3 of the most popular clues that there’s some serious anger rumbling inside of you and that it’s time to “Stop, Sit and Breath”:
1) Physical Visceral Sensation – Ever experience this: You and your spouse are talking, he says something that was not very polite, and all of a sudden your body starts to feel as if hot liquid is running through your veins starting from your feet and going straight up? I have also heard women report how their stomach felt as if it was going to explode like a boiling pot after a certain interaction with their husband. These are both very common somatic reactions that some women feel when either not feeling connected to their emotion of anger or (without knowing) not feeling confident to even feel or express their anger to their husband.
Solution: Well, your body is clearly screaming to you, “I AM SO F***ING PISSED!!!!!!” That being said, for god’s sake listen to your body! Every red siren is going off and it’s your job to honor your feelings, and understand them so that you can communicate your anger appropriately. The alternative is to become that boiling pot you are feeling in the depths of your gut, which would be a huge hot mess. Definitely not smart.
2) Hyper critical comments – Come on…no one likes a nit picker and I know you don’t like watching yourself overly harping on your husband every time he doesn’t make the bed The Four Seasons style (he made the frikkin’ bed so be happy). So if it’s not like you to be snipping at every move that he makes, yet you’re obsessed with every little “mistake” he makes lately, then MAYBE it’s time to pay attention to clue #2. Maybe your not-so-normal critical statements are really about underlying anger you’re feeling toward him about something that has nothing to do with how he makes the bed.
Solution: Once you recognize and hear your snipping voice at him, STOP. It’s time to get into rumbling safety mode where you literally need to stop, sit and breath. Try to get into touch with what the feelings really are inside of you before engaging with him in conversation. What are you feeling? Underneath all the anger, are you really feeling sad about something in the marriage? Etc. Once you connect with yourself, you are in a much better place to communicate your feelings effectively. Nit picking will only push him away more. where as if you own your feelings, he just might hear you. Smart.
3) Zero Interest in Sex - Oh how I wish I could collect a dollar every time I heard a woman complain how sex with her husband is the last thing on her mind while simultaneously not feeling very appreciated by her husband lateley. Ladies, if all your life you’ve had a healthy libido and suddenly one day (poof!), it’s just gone, then (pending there are no physical issues or immediate crises) chances are that you’re feeling something and I’m going to guess it might be anger.
Solution: It amazes me how so many women are automatically feeling more attracted to their partner once she has had the opportunity to work through her anger in an appropriate way. So if sexy times have been completely void and you think that you may be one of those closet angry wives, then it’s time for a serious check in with yourself about what you are truly feeling so that you don’t end up depriving yourself of one of life’s very simple pleasures (yes, sex). Journal, mediate, talk to a friend, talk to a counselor, take a walk alone, etc., do whatever you can do to connect to the feelings. Once you do that, be brave and take advantage of what could actually become an intimate opportunity for the two of you by sharing with him what’s troubling you in the marriage. Own your feelings and ask him to just listen. If all goes well, here’s the cherry: HUG. Yes, hug for at least 10 seconds. Get that oxytocin (bonding hormone) flowing and in no time your friendly libido will be happily back in town.
Come back this Thursday for more tips on how to be smart in your marriage…
There’s an old saying: Ignorance is bliss.
Hmmmm…
Well, when it comes to your marriage…not so much. It’s more like: Ignornace is piss.
(Sorry for the potty humor – - clearly I’m around 6 year old boys too much.)
Let’s face it ladies: not being aware of what’s not working in your marriage is a recipe for a disaster. So coming off the heels of Tuesday’s post about how your past can effect your confidence within your marriage, I decided to share another of my Your Tango videos about how your unawareness of old unhealthy relationships can effect not only the kind of partner you choose, but how you choose to be in the relationship.
So to all my divorcee ladies out there, if you’re worried about making similar choices the second time around, have no fear and watch today’s video for some good tips:
