I admit it.
In the past I’ve made a comment or two (or three or four) to my husband that if I were caught on camera one would think think:
(Gasp!) O.M.G. What a major bitch…!
Yes, I know you’ve been there too because what else are you bitching about with your girlfriends when the topic of husbands come up?
But I’m here to tell you that I’ve learned to tame my sharp tongue and reactions because to me, the damage my words can do is surely not worth it when it comes to my marriage and frankly, to any close relationship in my life. As much emotion, anger or frustration I may feel in the moment, the idea of saying something that could feel attacking, rejecting, condescending, etc. to my husband makes me feel sad (honestly).
Obviously, what’s giggled over Ladies’ Cocktail Hour stays in Ladies’ Cocktail Hour, but how you react, respond, communicate, etc. to your husband is for you to be accountable for and it wouldn’t hurt for you to scrape up some compassion as far as how you talk to him.
That said, below are examples of 5 comments that will surely erode the relationship:
1) What’s wrong with you??
Honestly, the above is comparable to chopping off his penis.
Saying it in a laughing, fun gesture is one thing, but when you respond with the above because your husband forgot to pick up the milk on the way home, I can assure you that he’ll never ever offer to pick up the milk again.
HEALTHY RESPONSE – Attacking someone with words is a sideways way of expressing your feelings. If you feel frustrated that he forgot “the one thing” you asked him to do, instead try this: I know you’re not trying to forget what I asked you to do, but when you do forget what I’ve asked you to help me with I feel like my needs don’t matter. Will you please do what ever you can to remember next time?
2) What were you thinking?!
When your husband comes home and shares with you how a situation he handled at work backfired on him, my guess is that he’s looking for some compassion and support and not some devaluing Simon Cowell stab.
HEALTHY RESPONSE – You’re allowed to not agree with how your husband handles certain situations with other people, but if your husband didn’t ask for your opinion then you most certainly should pipe the f*ck down. However, if he did ask for you opinion then he’s looking to problem solve, not to be felt like a joke. Instead, try this: Well if it were me I probably would have said this __________.
Keep it simple and non critical.
3) That’s all you did??
Look: in a perfect world our husbands would read our minds in the most symbiotic, fantastical way. But that’s not reality (yes, it’s time for you to wake the f*ck up). If you have an expectation of something that your husband is going to do, own your assumptions rather than vomit your disappointment in his general direction.
HEALTHY RESPONSE – Your husband said he was going to help you straighten up the kids rooms for you while you go to the market. You come home to find his definition of straightening up the kids rooms is the the sheets are pulled up to the top of the beds and the toys are are all pushed up to one side of the wall. In your head you’re thinking your 6 year old could do a better job straightening up. However, one hopes that you also realize that you were not as specific with what “straightening up the kids rooms” means. So instead try this: I really appreciate you offering to straighten up their rooms. I realize that I made a mistake not being more specific with you about where the toys should go and how the beds are made, so next time I’ll be more specific. Thanks for your help though!
4) Stop touching me.
Yikes. We all know this one: Hubby wants to get sexy times on and you’d rather stick needles in your eyes after the vomit puking, child screaming, work stress day you’ve had. But guess what? You’re allowed to feel that way and you’re allowed to select the pause button in response.
HEALTHY RESPONSE - Instead try this: (give a kiss/hug in return…come on he needs a frikkin’ bone) Honey, I just need to decompress from the day so that I can really be present with you.
He’s not stupid – he’ll get the hint without you making him feel like a total reject. The only caveat is this doesn’t mean you get a free hall pass for the week: You’re just as responsible for your sexual relationship as he is so #1, do what ever jedi mind tricks you have to do to get present for sex and #2, it’s your responsibility to let him know when you’re ready and able!
5) You’re pathetic!
Ouuuuuuch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
Ladies, this is sooooo not cool to say to anyone. How old are you??? Kids say this to other kids when they feel angry, hurt, sad, dissapointed, etc. etc. Own your feelings and communicate them like an adult.
HEALTHY RESPONSE – Your husband just said something to you which sounded attacking and critical, but the solution is to not get in the sand box with him. Be the adult and be direct: I feel hurt, sad, and alone in the relationship when you talk to me like that. If you feel angry and frustrated about something that I did then talk to me like an adult, but don’t push me against the wall with your words.
And that’s it folks. Be respectful. Be an adult and for the love of god, be smart.
image via ldbroome.blogspot.com
Tuesdays post was 6 Signs Your Husband Acts Like a Bully where #6 was:
He Suffers from Lawyer Syndrome.
So what is Lawyer Syndrome and how should you deal with it??
Well today’s video will give you that answer….take a look:
Let’s face it: We all go through slumps when it comes to our bodies and believe it or not, so does your husband. However, if his lack of attention to his body is affecting your attraction to him, then it may be time to gently bring his “slump” to his attention. Here’s how to talk to him…
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!
Check out the following article (by yours truly) which was originally posted on WOMEN.COM (awesome site by the way):
5 Ways to Feel Closer to Your Partner this Valentine’s Day
With Valentine’s Day on Tuesday, many women are flooded with “Vietnam flashbacks” of last year’s Valentine’s Day disappointment. For some of you it may sound or look like this:
“…so there we were sitting in the most beautiful restaurant, eating the most delicious food, and I felt like I was doing all of the talking! He just sat there, looking like he was listening but I wonder if he even cared about one thing I said…”
Ladies, if this is you then have no fear because I have a specific roadmap for you to follow which can definitely increase your chances of connecting with your main man this Valentine’s Day. First off, men by nature are kinetic. Meaning they connect to ideas through motion and being physical whereas women connect in a more verbal way. In fact, research shows that men have a higher capacity to learn when they are physical and moving. So if you want your husband to listen to you, then you need to connect with him in a way that he biologically can and here’s how:
1) TOUCH – We underestimate the power of touch. Between Facebook, Twitter, texting, Skyping, etc., people are less and less in the same physical vicinity let alone touching each other. When was the last time you walked up to your husband and just grabbed him and gave him a BIG bear hug? Take advantage of getting that oxytocin (the bonding hormone) flowing between the two of you and give him a good, tight, at least 10-second squeeze on Valentine’s Day morning.
2) PLAN A PHYSICAL ACTIVITY WITH HIM – If you have high hopes of engaging in verbal conversation with your partner on V-day, plan a walk or hike with him. No, I’m not kidding. Any form of physical activity (even hanging out with him while he’s golfing, etc.) will allow that kinetic part of his wiring to help him feel more inspired to not only talk to you, but tolisten to you. So know your audience and get moving with him.
To read the rest of this post, check out my article on Women.com HERE.
To all of you: Wishing you a beautiful Valentine’s Day full of hugs and lots and lots of connective moments with the people you love…
image via askmegd.com
Are you a parent with teens living in the Los Angeles or surrounding areas? If so, read on:
PARENTING SEMINAR—TEENAGES: WONDER YEARS OR WORRY YEARS?
Sunday, March 4, 1:00–5:00 p.m.
$50 General; $40 Skirball Members; $30 Full-Time Students with ID
Advance registration required: Register on site at the Skirball, online at www.skirball.org, or by phone at (310) 440-4651 and press 2.
Help your teen children grow into responsible, caring, and secure young adults and discover how to keep your teens’ development on track and foster positive behaviors. This dynamic half-day seminar helps parents improve their understanding of the teenage brain and sheds light on the challenges of parenting a teen.
Parents will explore how to harness the advances in brain science to improve communication, recognize opportunities for optimizing development and emotional growth, and understand the vulnerabilities facing teens. As children move into their pre-adolescent and adolescent years, how can parents help them grow into mature young adults? Are confounding behaviors that include defiance, risk-taking and rebelling simply stages on the way to establishing independence from authority figures?
Dr. John M. Watkins, distinguished clinical psychologist and specialist in the field of neuropsychology, will decode the latest research in his keynote lecture, “The Teen Brain: What Neuroscience Can Teach Us about Emotional Development in Adolescents.” Advances in neuroscience help us understand how and why the developing adolescent brain differs from the adult brain and can help parents answer the question, “What was my teen thinking?”
Learn about the following topics: what motivates teens; what is the reward center; and how social acceptance or social exclusion affect your child. The seminar will also address the topics of peer pressure and what kind of environments are important for teen maturation and development of empathy.
Following the keynote address, a panel of teens will share what is on their minds, including their perspective on their challenges and hopes for the future, which will be facilitated by child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist Dr. David Meltzer.
The seminar will conclude with breakout sessions for parents, led by Institute for Contemporary Psychoanalysis-trained mental health professionals. Please bring questions and challenging scenarios from everyday life for discussion to help you reflect on and process your relationship with your teen. You will also learn the necessary skills to recognize situations that need professional help.
The following post can also be found in today’s post at amotherworld.com:
Let’s face it: Valentine’s Day gets a lot of hype (thank you Hallmark). I’ve seen many women who report feeling very disappointed by the end of the day because certain expectations were never met. However, I’m not saying you shouldn’t enjoy this annual festivity, but making sure that you have realistic expectations of your loved one will definitely allow you to enjoy the day more. That said, here are my 5 Tips to a Satisfying Valentine’s Day:
1) Don’t make dinner reservations that night – That’s right, you read correctly. The restaurants will be crowded beyond because you’ll be dining with every couple on the face of the earth, and the pre-fixed menus will be jacked up to the sky. Instead, make it for the night before or the night after.
2) Remember who your husband is and set the standards from there – Unless you KNOW that your husband is a die-hard romantic and every year he enjoys going all out for you on Valentine’s day, then the two of you should have an agreement of what the frame is as far as celebrating Valentine’s Day. For example, maybe you both agree to have a $50 limit on gift purchases for each other as there’s nothing worse than jumping through hoops to find your spouse the perfect lavish gift while the other receives a pair of socks. Or maybe you both decide on no gifts/just a card, and maybe even agree to write more than: Love, Bill. By the way, if you have a wise-ass husband, probably a good idea to add to that “a 3 sentence minimum” so that “writing more” doesn’t result in Love ALWAYS, Bill…
To read the rest of this post, check out my article today at HERE at A Mother World…I wish you all a sweet and satisfying day of LOVE.
WAIT!!! Did you enter our Valentine’s Day contest yet for the ultimate James Bond gift for HIM?? Don’t miss out because you still have until midnight Thursday 2/9 to enter…Enter HERE.
Growing up in earthquake friendly California I became very familiar with the safety drill, “Drop, Cover, Hold on.” Once the rumbling under my feet began to quiver, that’s exactly what did.
But today, let’s talk about the rumbling you’re feeling as a result of your anger. Yes, possibly anger you feel toward your husband. However, the big ole’ problem for many is that you’re not even aware of it, hence it’s spilling out sideways making an unnecessary mess for both you and him. So let’s look at 3 of the most popular clues that there’s some serious anger rumbling inside of you and that it’s time to “Stop, Sit and Breath”:
1) Physical Visceral Sensation – Ever experience this: You and your spouse are talking, he says something that was not very polite, and all of a sudden your body starts to feel as if hot liquid is running through your veins starting from your feet and going straight up? I have also heard women report how their stomach felt as if it was going to explode like a boiling pot after a certain interaction with their husband. These are both very common somatic reactions that some women feel when either not feeling connected to their emotion of anger or (without knowing) not feeling confident to even feel or express their anger to their husband.
Solution: Well, your body is clearly screaming to you, “I AM SO F***ING PISSED!!!!!!” That being said, for god’s sake listen to your body! Every red siren is going off and it’s your job to honor your feelings, and understand them so that you can communicate your anger appropriately. The alternative is to become that boiling pot you are feeling in the depths of your gut, which would be a huge hot mess. Definitely not smart.
2) Hyper critical comments – Come on…no one likes a nit picker and I know you don’t like watching yourself overly harping on your husband every time he doesn’t make the bed The Four Seasons style (he made the frikkin’ bed so be happy). So if it’s not like you to be snipping at every move that he makes, yet you’re obsessed with every little “mistake” he makes lately, then MAYBE it’s time to pay attention to clue #2. Maybe your not-so-normal critical statements are really about underlying anger you’re feeling toward him about something that has nothing to do with how he makes the bed.
Solution: Once you recognize and hear your snipping voice at him, STOP. It’s time to get into rumbling safety mode where you literally need to stop, sit and breath. Try to get into touch with what the feelings really are inside of you before engaging with him in conversation. What are you feeling? Underneath all the anger, are you really feeling sad about something in the marriage? Etc. Once you connect with yourself, you are in a much better place to communicate your feelings effectively. Nit picking will only push him away more. where as if you own your feelings, he just might hear you. Smart.
3) Zero Interest in Sex - Oh how I wish I could collect a dollar every time I heard a woman complain how sex with her husband is the last thing on her mind while simultaneously not feeling very appreciated by her husband lateley. Ladies, if all your life you’ve had a healthy libido and suddenly one day (poof!), it’s just gone, then (pending there are no physical issues or immediate crises) chances are that you’re feeling something and I’m going to guess it might be anger.
Solution: It amazes me how so many women are automatically feeling more attracted to their partner once she has had the opportunity to work through her anger in an appropriate way. So if sexy times have been completely void and you think that you may be one of those closet angry wives, then it’s time for a serious check in with yourself about what you are truly feeling so that you don’t end up depriving yourself of one of life’s very simple pleasures (yes, sex). Journal, mediate, talk to a friend, talk to a counselor, take a walk alone, etc., do whatever you can do to connect to the feelings. Once you do that, be brave and take advantage of what could actually become an intimate opportunity for the two of you by sharing with him what’s troubling you in the marriage. Own your feelings and ask him to just listen. If all goes well, here’s the cherry: HUG. Yes, hug for at least 10 seconds. Get that oxytocin (bonding hormone) flowing and in no time your friendly libido will be happily back in town.
Come back this Thursday for more tips on how to be smart in your marriage…
Everyone wants to know the secret to a long lasting marriage. That said, I personally think there are several ingredients that can make or break a marriage, #1 being: be an adult. Both people in the marriage need to be the adults, because “children playing house” will always end in a disaster and for some people that can ultimately lead to divorce. There are several other key factors that I planned to write about today until I came across this fantastic article: Don’t Bother Rekindling Your Marriage…Create Something New. The article is written by a colleague, Dr. Corey Allan, editor of Simple Marriage (an excellent marriage blog written by a very smart husband, ladies) and this is a must read article for anyone who is married as Corey outlines in 4 simple action steps on how you can bring back a lasting bond/connection in your marriage.
So here is your homework:
1) Read the article Don’t Bother Rekindling Your Marriage…Create Something New
2) Start looking at/thinking about how YOU can implement the steps from the article into your marriage.
3) Send the article to your husband. I did. Yes, THAT would be smart.
Make sure to check out Dr. Corey Allan’s marriage blog Simple Marriage and come back Thursday for more smart marriage tips.
Last year I owned my part as far as my crack-berry confession and although I may trip at times, it’s always on my frontal lobe to lessen my smartphone time when around my husband. However, many of you are struggling with the opposite: His crack-berry addiction when it’s time to have couple time or family time. It’s a new year ladies, and that means the new you needs to set the standard as far as quality couple time and family time. Here’s how to keep him accountable for his choices without attacking him:
image via e-forwards.com
Happy New Year to you all!!! Now let’s cut to the chase:
Just because I write and create these videos about how to be smarter in your marriage doesn’t mean that I’m always perfect (hardly, and if anyone tells you that they are, ask them what he or she is smoking). I’m a work in progress just like the rest of you and to prove it I’d like to share with you my Top 10 “Wife” Resolutions for 2012:
- Listen better – This means that when my husband is talking to me, I’m practicing setting aside my own ego driven thoughts, feelings, mental rants so that I can give myself the chance to actually understand him (imagine that, right??). And yes, he may not be conscious of it but when I’m not really listening, he probably feels it. Hence, listening to him all around is SMART.
- Validate what he does do – Here’s the hard cold facts: His idea of “helping me” is constantly loading up the washer with the kids’ laundry. My fantasy idea of him “helping me” is him throwing the kids in the car on a Saturday at 8:00 am (without me even asking – oh how delicious) for a fun filled morning and not returning with them till lunch time. For now, it’s just smarter for me to say “thank you” to what he is already doing and not turn into a constant complaining bitch.
- Offer more hugs to him – If I need and expect the hugs so badly, then why wouldn’t he?
- Stop complaining ad nauseum about whatever – Talking like a victim is just note sexy. Period.
- Accept responsibility – Just own it rather than spending endless minutes trying to explain to him why I feel like I’m not wrong. Basically, validate his damn feelings for pete’s sake. Would it kill me? No…it wouldn’t.
- Once the kids are in bed, less time on Facebook, and more time time with husband - I know very well that actions speak louder than words to him.
- Clean up enabling patterns from 2011 – Ewwwww. God dammit, I did it again this year. Time to clean up any of “those” bad habits that sprung up again this past year.
- Postpone serious conversations when I’ve only had 3 hours of sleep – Oh, yes. I tripped over that one this past year and it was not pretty. I might as well have loaded up on some hallucinogenic, agro-steroid drug and tried talking to him then. Note to self: Be smart and go the f*** to bed.
- Remind myself that under his tough, alpha exterior, that he has feelings too – Having a penis does not equal absence of feelings…quite the contrary.
- Surrender more to the fact that it’s not my job to fix him/help him/change him, etc. – My job is to help me. As far as him, my job is to allow him to be in charge of his own journey and be of support when needed. With that said, God help me…
So there you have it folks…My personal Top 10 “Wife” Resolutions for 2012. What are YOURS?? We’d love to hear from you…write us or leave a comment below.
Also, check out my article on Women.com – Top 10 Basic Needs for Every Woman in 2012. Enjoy and come back on Thursday for more New Year’s tips!
Sh*t.
Another year just FRIKKIN’ FLEW by…
…and so will next year.
That being said, what will YOU do to make your new “wife year” different, better, happier, healthier, stronger, more satisfying, SMARTER, etc.??
(I’ll tell you what I’m focusing on doing, but that’s one of my posts for next week…ha.)
Ladies, it’s a brand new f*cking year and the only person who can make it better is YOU, so let’s close out the year with our top BTSW posts from 2011…
…but before I do allow me to say THANK YOU to all of you who tune in here every week and who write in with your comments, questions, thoughts, feelings, etc…I appreciate each and every one of you. Stay tuned to 2012 as “Be the Smart Wife” brings you a “whole lot-ta” new and different nuggets through out the new year!
Top 10 Posts of 2011
#1 Your husband Wants a Threesome?!?!
#2 Date Night Options for Any Couple
#3 What to do With Those Damn Feelings
#4 One Very Simple Tip to Rev Up the Sex
#5 The Difference Between Him and Her
#6 You’re beating a Dead Horse
#8 Don’t be the Dummy Wife Like I Was Last Month
#9 The False Alarm D-bomb is a Big No-No
#10 Here’s How You May be Torturing Yourself in your Marriage
Posts will resume again after Jan 2nd so see you all then and HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!
