Yes. You read the title correctly.

For all of you women out there who have written me specific questions (some which I will still address in the following months posts) of what to say, do or how to act, respond in certain situations with your husband, I want to share an article from The Huffington Post titled, Why Men Don’t Listen to Women, written by Robert Leahy, Ph.D.

I encourage you all to read it NOT to makes excuses for your partner.  Rather, I share it with you so that YOU CAN GIVE IT TO YOUR PARTNER TO READ!

I’m serious.  (yes, even I gave it to my husband to read)

Obviously, I don’t recommend you emailing him the article and writing, “READ THIS ASSHOLE.”  No, that would not go over well with him, so perhaps you forward it with a note such as, “Hey honey…this article is really interesting…BOTH of us should be aware of what it talks about…would love to know what you think after you read it.”

(Btw, you will more than likely be the one to initiate the follow up conversation, but as long as he’s receptive, who cares who starts the conversation)

So read it, forward it to him and BE SMART by asking him his thoughts about the article without interrupting him.  In fact, listening to his thoughts might be a segue for the two of you to have a  meaningful discussion about your relationship.

And for those of you wondering if today’s title is a hint of what’s soon to come to this site, the answer is yes. (wink)

Psssssst!!

Who wants to win a trip to Beaches Resort in Jamaica!

Well now that I have your attention, here are the vacation details:

• Spend 5 days and 4 nights at the luxurious and all inclusive Beaches Resort, Jamaica
• Trip accommodates 4 people: 2 adults and 2 kids, ages 15 and under
• Round trip coach airfare for 4 provided by Delta Airlines

White sand beaches, pristine water, gourmet dining and a number of activities for kids and adults alike – those are just a few things you will enjoy with this Beaches Resort vacation. And as always, it’s easy to enter…

Just go up to the right hand corner of this page.  Simply click on the link which says : WIN A TRIP TO BEACHES RESORT JAMAICA and sign up for your chance to win on HerSay.com.

The giveaway will run through Thursday, August 26th…good luck!!!

“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.”

— Eckhart Tolle (A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose)

Let’s face it:  marriage is work…A LOT of work.

When you feel like your spouse is speaking a completely different language than you, the relationship can feel utterly exhausting and for some people even hopeless.  The mental energy and effort that you are expending has reached a whole new level as you feel like your brain is about combust.  In the end, you are unable to deliver the results you are looking for in your communication with your loved one.

That’s when every once and a while it doesn’t hurt for you to actually say to yourself:   F*CK IT.

No, I’m not saying run away.  I’m not even saying it’s time to consider divorce.  What I’m saying is that sometimes your better option is to just LET GO….

You’re not in control and even with all the smarts in the world, there will be times when even YOU cannot control the outcome of a conflict, a conversation, a discomfort in the relationship, etc.  Furthermore, when we hold on for dear life we inhibit ourselves from feeling grounded in our own bodies, and connecting to our authentic self.

So BE SMART and when all else fails…just f*****g let go.

I’m officially calling this week:  THE WEEK OF COMPASSION.

More on this topic on Thursday and how it pertains to your relationship, but for now I leave you with an inspiring quote:

“Some people think only intellect counts: knowing how to solve problems, knowing how to get by, knowing how to identify an advantage and seize it. But the functions of intellect are insufficient without courage, love, friendship, compassion and empathy.”

– by Dean Koontz, author and listed as #1 on the New York Times best seller list twelve times

Yes, a lot of printed words today and no video…here’s why:

We’re slowly beginning to change it up here at BTSW where some of my posts will be in written form (not just only videos) for 2 reasons:

1)      For some of you, READING (as opposed to WATCHING and LISTENING) is your optimum way of processing information.  Hence, I want the “reading” folks out there to easily soak in my “words of wisdom.”

2)      Over the next few months, we’re going to diversify A LOT of things here on the site, and mixing up the presentation style is just the beginning…

Btw, if YOU have an opinion about the above, by all means WRITE ME! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE HERE AND HOW!!  Likes, dislikes, whatever your thoughts are…write me.

ANY-HOO! Let’s talk about your relationship:

Feelings, feelings, feelings…we have them every day, all the time, good and bad with our partner…right? RIGHT!

That said, read this OUT LOUD:

Just because you have a FEELING, doesn’t mean you have to ACT on it.

Read it again.  I mean it…

(this is me waiting for you to read it…)

(still waiting…do it already)

EXACTLY what I wrote above, is what I MEAN:  Just because you feel like SCREAMING at the guy behind you in line at the movie theater (yes, he’s openly expressed how long it’s taking you to choose between the M&Ms vs. the Jr. Mints) doesn’t mean that you actually turn around and scream at him.  That’s when you think to yourself:  Okay, “Self”… he’s a total douche bag piece of sh*t and I’m going to just breath and pretend that I don’t hear him saying, “It doesn’t matter Lady…they’ll both end up sticking to you in the same place” and then I’m going to just walk far far farrrrr away…and I’m going to keep breathing until my dragon fire raging anger has subsided.  Yes.  I will do that, and then I will see how I feel.

And the same applies in your MARRIAGE…

When you come home to find your husband buried in his newspaper while he sits in the middle of a heaping pile/sea of toys, broken pieces of animal crackers, sand all over the couch from the kids’ shoes, and your 5 year old’s dirty underwear slapped in the middle of the house entry way, don’t tell me you’re not FEELING like you want to throw your hands up and howl at your husband:

O-KAYYY (mother f****rrr!!!) I   AM   D-O-N-E!!!

But you don’t.

No, my dear…you don’t.  You’re experiencing a FEELING which does not mean that you must ACT on it right then and there.

Take a deep breath, put the groceries away, and let the feelings simmer down. Only THEN are you in a grounded place to figure out what you need to act on and how to appropriately communicate it.

So until next Tuesday, take a beat….and BE SMART.

As you can see there is no video today and here’s the short of the long:

It’s spring break in my house which means that the routine is OFF. Not just for me, but for my kids.  For those of you with kids, you know what the “being out of the routine”  trickle effect looks like and by 4:45 pm it ain’t pretty: tantrums on the floor, heads spinning exorcist style (btw, this is the kids – not me…however, I do fantasize having my own devil like tantrums from time to time).

So along with the glorious “witching hour” meltdowns, here are the, so far (we have one more week of paradise here), spring break highlights:

• Husband has pneumonia.  Aka, I get a sweet taste of single parenthood while the kids are NOT in their contained routine.
• Daughter turned “2 years” the other day and DIVA has a whole new “finger snapping,” “talk to the hand” meaning.
• Older son/big brother to the birthday girl is expressing his green envy toward “a day about his sister” in all kinds of loving ways such as conveniently “missing” the toilet seat when he pees (yes, he chose to use MY bathroom, NOT his for that particular bladder release), and teaching his sister all kinds of “expressive” words which up until this past week I had no idea that even HE knew those words (by the way, if your child plays with my children these days, consider this blog post my disclaimer as to what your child may come home saying.  And NO, I don’t support these new words, but there’s only so much control I have over the kids’ “sweet nothing” whispers when they’re in the other room “quietly” playing legos).

Right about now, you may be asking: “So what does all of this have to do with being smart in your marriage?”

My answer?

A lot.

One of the silver linings this past week was despite the recent chaos in my house (and within my own head), my husband and I have been getting along ridiculously well.  I could have easily made him the target for all of my miserable frustration about not having time for my usual routine (as he rests in bed catching up on all of his TV recordings and gabbing on the phone with his buddies back east).  Thankfully, I’ve held on to my smarts knowing that “targeting” my husband would only create more unnecessary stress, and rightly piss him off (hello, he has pneumonia).  Yet, I would be lying to you if I said I haven’t have my Snooki moments of “waaaaaaaaaaah!” either alone in my closet or quietly in my head. During those moments I try (key word: try) to contain my spinning thoughts: I close my eyes, breath, perhaps pour a glass of wine (or two) while I have dinner with my kids and think, “Just let go, Carin. Let go and let the chaos be what it is.  Remember that there is a beginning, middle, and end to this horrid horrid spring break.” Obviously, this is easier said than done and trust me when I say I’ve painfully learned from my past where at times I’ve allowed my marriage to be the dumping ground for certain frustrations.

However, this spring break I have spent many a moment recognizing my frustrations as MY feelings and have taken control in the most unconventional way…by just letting go.

When we desperately try to control the world around us including the people we live with we only exacerbate what already feels messy, chaotic, loud, and is spinning out of control.  At the risk of sounding cheesy, think of your marriage as an ocean: when the tide seems to be taking over you, don’t fight it – just let go and ride it. You will more than likely float right back to land where you feel grounded and back to where you belong.

That said, on Monday May 2, 2011, I predict that I will happily be dancing on dry land.

Come back this Thursday for more written tips and thoughts regarding how to be smart in your marriage. Videos will be back next Tuesday…

Uhhhh…hello? Are you watching how you’re handling this?!?

If you’re guilty of today’s video, then the answer is:

NO.

So watch today’s video and wake up and be smart about the WHEN and WHERE you do this…

LADIES!

Only 6 more days till we pick a winner! Don’t miss out on the Ultimate Shopping Event !!!

Click HERE for details!

I think the title says it all, folks: you’re still tripping over yourself in your marriage.  Watch today’s video where I tell you what you’re doing wrong and WHAT TO DO DIFFERENTLY!

Are you an L.A. mommy who’s running out of ideas for fun and new things to do with your kiddies around town? If so, check out the Red Tricycle events calendar on the right side bar of my blog! New events are always updated.

ONLY A FEW MORE DAYS LEFT TO WIN A LUXURY SPA TREATMENT! – details below…

Sign up for Red Tricycle at http://www.redtri.com/newsletter-signup and put “Be the Smart Wife” in the “referred by” box. You’ll be entered into a fabulous contest with Burke Williams Spa where YOU might be the lucky winner of a luxury spa treatment. Promotion is running now through Feb 28 and the winner will be notified after 2/28.  Sign up NOW to win the massage that you’ve been desperately NEEDING!

Just as your “unfinished business” can spoil your marital bliss, so can your husband’s.  That said, here’s how to best react when your husband has one of his infamous and glorious tantrums:

No. He’s not TRYING to be a schmuck.

In fact, he actually might be trying to repair the situation with you. However, you probably don’t see that because your husband’s way of communicating with you is much different than your style.  That said, allow me to share with you in more detail:

Thanks for watching! Come back next week for my summer contest details!

What do YOU want to hear me talk about HERE at BTSW? I want to hear from YOU!

My friend, as I’ve said before, I have created this video blog for YOU.  That said (and thanks to a viewer request), here’s a tip that will be useful for ANY female when trying to communicate with “Mr. Male.” Check out my video below…