I admit it.

In the past I’ve made a comment or two (or three or four) to my husband that if I were caught on camera one would think think:

(Gasp!) O.M.G. What a major bitch…!

Yes, I know you’ve been there too because what else are you bitching about with your girlfriends when the topic of husbands come up?

But I’m here to tell you that I’ve learned to tame my sharp tongue and reactions because to me, the damage my words can do is surely not worth it when it comes to my marriage and frankly, to any close relationship in my life.  As much emotion, anger or frustration I may feel in the moment, the idea of saying something that could feel attacking, rejecting, condescending, etc. to my husband makes me feel sad (honestly).

Obviously, what’s giggled over Ladies’ Cocktail Hour stays in Ladies’ Cocktail Hour, but how you react, respond, communicate, etc. to your husband is for you to be accountable for and it wouldn’t hurt for you to scrape up some compassion as far as how you talk to him.

That said, below are examples of 5 comments that will surely erode the relationship:

1)  What’s wrong with you??

Honestly, the above is comparable to chopping off his penis.

Saying it in a laughing, fun gesture is one thing, but when you respond with the above because your husband forgot to pick up the milk on the way home, I can assure you that he’ll never ever offer to pick up the milk again.

HEALTHY RESPONSE – Attacking someone with words is a sideways way of expressing your feelings.  If you feel frustrated that he forgot “the one thing” you asked him to do, instead try this: I know you’re not trying to forget what I asked you to do, but when you do forget what I’ve asked you to help me with I feel like my needs don’t matter.  Will you please do what ever you can to remember next time?

2) What were you thinking?!

When your husband comes home and shares with you how a situation he handled at work backfired on him, my guess is that he’s looking for some compassion and support and not some devaluing  Simon Cowell stab.

HEALTHY RESPONSE – You’re allowed to not agree with how your husband handles certain situations with other people, but if your husband didn’t ask for your opinion then you most certainly should pipe the f*ck down.  However, if he did ask for you opinion then he’s looking to problem solve, not to be felt like a joke.  Instead, try this:  Well if it were me I probably would have said this __________.

Keep it simple and non critical.

3)  That’s all you did??

Look:  in a perfect world our husbands would read our minds in the most symbiotic, fantastical way.  But that’s not reality (yes, it’s time for you to wake the f*ck up).  If you have an expectation of something that your husband is going to do, own your assumptions rather than vomit your disappointment in his general direction.

HEALTHY RESPONSE – Your husband said he was going to help you straighten up the kids rooms for you while you go to the market.  You come home to find his definition of straightening up the kids rooms is the the sheets are pulled up to the top of the beds and the toys are are all pushed up to one side of the wall.  In your head you’re thinking your 6 year old could do a better job straightening up.  However, one hopes that you also realize that you were not as specific with what “straightening up the kids rooms” means.  So instead try this:  I really appreciate you offering to straighten up their rooms.  I realize that I made a mistake not being more specific with you about where the toys should go and how the beds are made, so next time I’ll be more specific.  Thanks for your help though!

4)  Stop touching me.

Yikes.  We all know this one:  Hubby wants to get sexy times on and you’d rather stick needles in your eyes after the vomit puking, child screaming, work stress day you’ve had.  But guess what?  You’re allowed to feel that way and you’re allowed to select the pause button in response.

HEALTHY RESPONSE - Instead try this:  (give a kiss/hug in return…come on he needs a frikkin’ bone)  Honey, I just need to decompress from the day so that I can really be present with you.

He’s not stupid – he’ll get the hint without you making him feel like a total reject.  The only caveat is this doesn’t mean you get a free hall pass for the week:  You’re just as responsible for your sexual relationship as he is so #1, do what ever jedi mind tricks you have to do to get present for sex and #2, it’s your responsibility to let him know when you’re ready and able!

5)  You’re pathetic!

Ouuuuuuch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Ladies, this is sooooo not cool to say to anyone.  How old are you???  Kids say this to other kids when they feel angry, hurt, sad, dissapointed, etc. etc.  Own your feelings and communicate them like an adult.

HEALTHY RESPONSE – Your husband just said something to you which sounded attacking and critical, but the solution is to not get in the sand box with him.  Be the adult and be direct:   I feel hurt, sad, and alone in the relationship when you talk to me like that.  If you feel angry and frustrated about something that I did then talk to me like an adult, but don’t push me against the wall with your words.

And that’s it folks.  Be respectful. Be an adult and for the love of god, be smart.

Growing up in earthquake friendly California I became very familiar with the safety drill, “Drop, Cover, Hold on.”  Once the rumbling under my feet began to quiver, that’s exactly what did.

But today, let’s talk about the rumbling you’re feeling as a result of your anger.  Yes, possibly anger you feel toward your husband.  However, the big ole’ problem for many is that you’re not even aware of it, hence it’s spilling out sideways making an unnecessary mess for both you and him.  So let’s look at 3 of the most popular clues that there’s some serious anger rumbling inside of you and that it’s time to “Stop, Sit and Breath”:

1) Physical Visceral Sensation – Ever experience this:  You and your spouse are talking, he says something that was not very polite, and all of a sudden your body starts to feel as if hot liquid is running through your veins starting from your feet and going straight up?  I have also heard women report how their stomach felt as if it was going to explode like a boiling pot after a certain interaction with their husband.  These are both very common somatic reactions that some women feel when either not feeling connected to their emotion of anger or (without knowing) not feeling confident to even feel or express their anger to their husband.

Solution:  Well, your body is clearly screaming to you, “I AM SO F***ING PISSED!!!!!!” That being said, for god’s sake listen to your body!  Every red siren is going off and it’s your job to honor your feelings, and understand them so that you can communicate your anger appropriately.  The alternative is to become that boiling pot you are feeling in the depths of your gut, which would be a huge hot mess.  Definitely not smart.

2) Hyper critical comments – Come on…no one likes a nit picker and I know you don’t like watching yourself overly harping on your husband every time he doesn’t make the bed The Four Seasons style (he made the frikkin’ bed so be happy).  So if it’s not like you to be snipping at every move that he makes, yet you’re obsessed with every little “mistake” he makes lately, then MAYBE it’s time to pay attention to clue #2.  Maybe your not-so-normal critical statements are really about underlying anger you’re feeling toward him about something that has nothing to do with how he makes the bed.

Solution:  Once you recognize and hear your snipping voice at him, STOP.  It’s time to get into rumbling safety mode where you literally need to stop, sit and breath.  Try to get into touch with what the feelings really are inside of you before engaging with him in conversation.  What are you feeling? Underneath all the anger, are you really feeling sad about something in the marriage? Etc.  Once you connect with yourself, you are in a much better place to communicate your feelings effectively.  Nit picking will only push him away more. where as  if you own your feelings, he just might hear you.  Smart.

3) Zero Interest in Sex - Oh how I wish I could collect a dollar every time I heard a woman complain how sex with her husband is the last thing on her mind while simultaneously not feeling very appreciated by her husband lateley.  Ladies, if all your life you’ve had a healthy libido and suddenly one day (poof!), it’s just gone, then (pending there are no physical issues or immediate crises) chances are that you’re feeling something and I’m going to guess it might be anger.

Solution: It amazes me how so many women are automatically feeling more attracted to their partner once she has had the opportunity to work through her anger in an appropriate way.  So if sexy times have been completely void and you think that you may be one of those closet angry wives, then it’s time for a serious check in with yourself about what you are truly feeling so that you don’t end up depriving yourself of one of life’s very simple pleasures (yes, sex).  Journal, mediate, talk to a friend, talk to a counselor, take a walk alone, etc., do whatever you can do to connect to the feelings.  Once you do that, be brave and take advantage of what could actually become an intimate opportunity for the two of you by sharing with him what’s troubling you in the marriage.  Own your feelings and ask him to just listen.  If all goes well, here’s the cherry:  HUG.  Yes, hug for at least 10 seconds.  Get that oxytocin (bonding hormone) flowing and in no time your friendly libido will be happily back in town.

Come back this Thursday for more tips on how to be smart in your marriage…

Over the years I have seen countless women both professionally and personally who without being aware, slip into an insecure, child-like place in their marriage, lacking any confidence to just be themselves.  This can happen to any woman for many different reasons.  However, I have seen many wives who, because they have never worked through their own child hood inferiority complex, have now  unconsciously displaced childhood feelings into their marriage.

Ladies, let me tell you right now that this is a dangerous and unsafe place for ANY of your to be.  Think about it: would ANY person in a marriage be safe if a child was the one making all sorts of emotional decisions in the marriage?  The answer is simple:  Disaster beyond comprehension.

So..if you’re one of those women who feels like an adult in every other place in your life (ie: work -place, parenting, friends, etc.) except in your marriage, here are 5 steps to help you find and hold onto the adult (you) in your marriage:

1. Name what your current fear based feelings are in your marriage – Examples: Do you feel fear when your husband makes a critical remark toward you?  Do you feel flooded with anger when your husband walks away from you in the middle of a conversation?
2. Connect the fear based feeling to the past – Is your fear based reaction to your husband’s vocal criticism reminiscent of your father criticizing your behavior at 8 years old? Is the anger you feel when your husband walks away from you in mid-sentence a jarring reminder of your mother walking away from you at age 6 while you were in tears out of sheer frustration?
3. Send it back to where it belongs (out of your marriage!) – Once you are able to connect the dots, take a moment alone to visualize yourself boxing that feeling and sending it away back into your past where it belongs.   Close the door to that past memory, throw away the key and walk away.
4. 4. Visualize examples of where/when you feel confident today – Think of moments in the present where you feel like a confident adult who trusts herself with the highest esteem:  with close friends, at the work place, as a parent with your children, etc.  Get very specific with the example you choose and literally visualize how confident you feel in that space.
5. Place the visual into the present. Own it. – With your new visual, place it now in the present: in your marriage.  Embody that confident adult no matter what you feel comes your way in your relationship.

Obviously, sharing these 5 steps with you is pretty simple…executing them is the challenge.  However, with time, practice, and trust in your abilities, I know that you can achieve all 5 steps if you are willing push through the process.  In time, the feelings of your past will become less and how you react in your marriage will no longer be weighed down by your anxiety from the past.

Sh*t.

Another year just FRIKKIN’ FLEW by…

…and so will next year.

That being said, what will YOU do to make your new “wife year” different, better, happier, healthier, stronger, more satisfying, SMARTER, etc.??

(I’ll tell you what I’m focusing on doing, but that’s one of my posts for next week…ha.)

Ladies, it’s a brand new f*cking year and the only person who can make it better is YOU, so let’s close out the year with our top BTSW posts from 2011…

…but before I do allow me to say THANK YOU to all of you who tune in here every week and who write in with your comments, questions, thoughts, feelings, etc…I appreciate each and every one of you.  Stay tuned to 2012 as “Be the Smart Wife” brings you a “whole lot-ta” new and different nuggets through out the new year!

Top 10 Posts of 2011

#1   Your husband Wants a Threesome?!?!

#2   Date Night Options for Any Couple

#3   What to do With Those Damn Feelings

#4   One Very Simple Tip to Rev Up the Sex

#5   The Difference Between Him and Her

#6   You’re beating a Dead Horse

#7   Sleep is the New SMART

#8   Don’t be the  Dummy Wife Like I Was Last Month

#9   The False Alarm D-bomb is a Big No-No

#10  Here’s How You May be Torturing Yourself in your Marriage

Posts will resume again after Jan 2nd so see you all then and HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!

Yup.

It’s THAT time.

Love it or hate it, the holidays are HERE and the last thing I want to see all you wives do is stress out unnecessarily.  That said, ParentsAsk and I put together my Top Five You Tube Do’s and Don’ts for Surviving the Holidays with your loved one.

Make sure you watch the ENTIRE playlist as there is some You Tube footage you don’t want to miss!  Enjoy…

Recently, I was reading through the comments on my YouTube videos (good comments and the ones which TOTALLY trash me…whatever – it is what it is) and I was struck by one husband’s comment  in regards to me discussing how detrimental it is to the relationship when you complain to your husband to the point of beating a dead horse.  He wrote the following:

“I wish my wife thought like you. I can’t stand feeling worthless and nothing I do is right.“

Poignant, right?

Here’s the deal: expressing your feelings is one thing, but beating your message to the point where you’re actually beating your husband down is whole other issue. It amazes me how some people just don’t hear themselves when they talk to their partner and I have witnessed many a couple in my office express themselves without owning their feelings.  Instead, they (what I like to call) verbally assassinate each other with statements such as:

• What’s wrong with you?!
• You’re just plain selfish.
• What were you thinking?!?
• You’re pathetic.
• You despise me…

…and the list goes on and on and on, etc.

Ladies, when you attack your your husband’s character, he will more than likely receive that attack as a bullet…do that enough and I’ve got comments like the above filling up my inbox. As much as I appreciate the comments from your husbands (and I really do), I’d rather he be spending his time having productive conversations with you rather than disconnecting from the marriage like a wounded animal.

So please do me a favor:  Before the day is over tell him one thing you appreciate that he does.  The icing on the cake is that you may get that appreciation in return.

OK, here’s the deal…I’m being SMART and here’s how:

My husband is gone for a MONTH on business (yes, a f***ing month), hence I am in full on airborne ranger mode with keeping the house, the kids, and my work  above water.  That said, (as I’m sure you’ve seen) I’ve had to put the pause button on the video posts until later this month.  However, my twice weekly posts will still be going up at least in written form.  Thanks for your patience and for today, check out one of my many articles from ParentsAsk.com: Is It Okay to Go to Bed Angry? Read the article to find out my thoughts about the SMARTER way to handle the situation…

If you’re not doing this already, then this is a MUST for not only feeling smarter in your marriage but ultimately feeling empowered in every aspect of your LIFE…

That said, you best watch this video NOW:

For more information on how excercise effects you, your brain, and the relationships in your life, read these fantastic articles:

Exercise and Depression

Prescribing Exercise to Treat Depression

I cannot begin to tell you how may times I hear from patients, friends and even strangers:

“I CAN’T BELIEVE I SPOKE TO HIM/HER THAT WAY…I’M A TERRIBLE PERSON!!!”

That is when I STOP the person or patient dead in their “thinking” tracks and say to him or her: “So what?!? You think you’re supposed to be perfect???  NO!  You need to focus on REPAIR.”

Yes, folks:  REPAIR.

It is truly that simple, and yet SO many of  you are not doing it for various reasons whether it’s your ego, not knowing better, guilt, etc.

So when I say REPAIR, this is what I mean:

Let’s say you said something to your husband which was expressed in a critical, vile, and attacking way and it only made the situation worse.  Right about now he’s probably angry as all hell with you, feeling wounded (even if he doesn’t admit it) by your words, and you feel like “the biggest b*tch” on earth.

At this point you’re in the thick of what best selling author, Dr. Dan Siegel calls:  a TOXIC RUPTURE.

Ewwwww, right? Just the sound of those two words sounds damaging.  Now here is where most couples sadly and unknowingly dig their relationship into a deeper, darker hole as both members of the couple allow the verbal altercation to just fade away on it’s own without discussing what just happened.  Hence, you have a TOXIC RUPTURE.

Why do people do this?  Well, obviously it’s for all kinds of different reasons, but the common denominator would most likely be avoidance.

Here’s the deal:  If your marriage or relationship has ongoing ruptures, followed by avoidance of discussing what just happened between you and your partner, those ruptures will forever chip away at the foundation of the relationship. Avoidance = Damage.

But now we’ll rewind…

Let’s go back to you having not been smart with how you spoke to your partner and you feeling like the cruelest of cruel EVER.  OK, so you feel like a terrible person, but what’s the guilt going to do for you?? Uhmmmmmm…..NOTHING — seriously, nothing.

Did you regress into your own childlike emotional state when you yelled at him:

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!!!  HOW AM I MARRIED TO YOU?!?!?”

Yes. You regressed with flying colors in fact. However, you’re not perfect, and you’re human.  So you need to look at WHY you said what you said. What were the feelings underneath it all?  Were you feeling angry?  Sad? Scared? Frustrated beyond words?  You need to find out what’s really going on inside of you and hightail it back to your partner.  Then, you approach him and say:

“Honey, you have every reason to feel angry right now and you don’t have to say anything in response…I am truly sorry for my behavior…It simply wasn’t okay for me to completely chew you out about the mess from the kids which I came home to.  It was my own frustration of feeling the weight of the household responsibilities these days and I should’ve owned my feelings and expressed it to you in a completely different way…or at least asked for help in a more productive way…it just wasn’t okay for me to flip out on you the way I did and next time I will be mindful of how I express my feelings without attacking. It wasn’t fair to you at all.”

Etc., etc., or something along the lines of the above……….get it??

And that is what what I call REPAIR folks…it’s simple and it’s necessary.  For the sake of having a vital, healthy marriage, it is undoubtedly,  F***ING SMART.

Come back this Thursday for more marriage tips..videos will be back this Thursday…hallelujah.

-

(BIG BLANK SCREEN)

…doesn’t exist.

Hence, the “big blank screen” above, because NOTHING in life is perfect.  In fact, if anyone tells you their marriage is perfect, I dare you to ask them what he or she is smoking…

HOWEVER, it’s possible to have a great marriage, but it take s a hell of a lot of work, sweat, and honesty with oneself.  That said, here’s a link to a solid list of tips and key points to always remember if you want to be SMART in your relationship: CLICK HERE and soak it in…