I admit it.

In the past I’ve made a comment or two (or three or four) to my husband that if I were caught on camera one would think think:

(Gasp!) O.M.G. What a major bitch…!

Yes, I know you’ve been there too because what else are you bitching about with your girlfriends when the topic of husbands come up?

But I’m here to tell you that I’ve learned to tame my sharp tongue and reactions because to me, the damage my words can do is surely not worth it when it comes to my marriage and frankly, to any close relationship in my life.  As much emotion, anger or frustration I may feel in the moment, the idea of saying something that could feel attacking, rejecting, condescending, etc. to my husband makes me feel sad (honestly).

Obviously, what’s giggled over Ladies’ Cocktail Hour stays in Ladies’ Cocktail Hour, but how you react, respond, communicate, etc. to your husband is for you to be accountable for and it wouldn’t hurt for you to scrape up some compassion as far as how you talk to him.

That said, below are examples of 5 comments that will surely erode the relationship:

1)  What’s wrong with you??

Honestly, the above is comparable to chopping off his penis.

Saying it in a laughing, fun gesture is one thing, but when you respond with the above because your husband forgot to pick up the milk on the way home, I can assure you that he’ll never ever offer to pick up the milk again.

HEALTHY RESPONSE – Attacking someone with words is a sideways way of expressing your feelings.  If you feel frustrated that he forgot “the one thing” you asked him to do, instead try this: I know you’re not trying to forget what I asked you to do, but when you do forget what I’ve asked you to help me with I feel like my needs don’t matter.  Will you please do what ever you can to remember next time?

2) What were you thinking?!

When your husband comes home and shares with you how a situation he handled at work backfired on him, my guess is that he’s looking for some compassion and support and not some devaluing  Simon Cowell stab.

HEALTHY RESPONSE – You’re allowed to not agree with how your husband handles certain situations with other people, but if your husband didn’t ask for your opinion then you most certainly should pipe the f*ck down.  However, if he did ask for you opinion then he’s looking to problem solve, not to be felt like a joke.  Instead, try this:  Well if it were me I probably would have said this __________.

Keep it simple and non critical.

3)  That’s all you did??

Look:  in a perfect world our husbands would read our minds in the most symbiotic, fantastical way.  But that’s not reality (yes, it’s time for you to wake the f*ck up).  If you have an expectation of something that your husband is going to do, own your assumptions rather than vomit your disappointment in his general direction.

HEALTHY RESPONSE – Your husband said he was going to help you straighten up the kids rooms for you while you go to the market.  You come home to find his definition of straightening up the kids rooms is the the sheets are pulled up to the top of the beds and the toys are are all pushed up to one side of the wall.  In your head you’re thinking your 6 year old could do a better job straightening up.  However, one hopes that you also realize that you were not as specific with what “straightening up the kids rooms” means.  So instead try this:  I really appreciate you offering to straighten up their rooms.  I realize that I made a mistake not being more specific with you about where the toys should go and how the beds are made, so next time I’ll be more specific.  Thanks for your help though!

4)  Stop touching me.

Yikes.  We all know this one:  Hubby wants to get sexy times on and you’d rather stick needles in your eyes after the vomit puking, child screaming, work stress day you’ve had.  But guess what?  You’re allowed to feel that way and you’re allowed to select the pause button in response.

HEALTHY RESPONSE - Instead try this:  (give a kiss/hug in return…come on he needs a frikkin’ bone)  Honey, I just need to decompress from the day so that I can really be present with you.

He’s not stupid – he’ll get the hint without you making him feel like a total reject.  The only caveat is this doesn’t mean you get a free hall pass for the week:  You’re just as responsible for your sexual relationship as he is so #1, do what ever jedi mind tricks you have to do to get present for sex and #2, it’s your responsibility to let him know when you’re ready and able!

5)  You’re pathetic!

Ouuuuuuch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Ladies, this is sooooo not cool to say to anyone.  How old are you???  Kids say this to other kids when they feel angry, hurt, sad, dissapointed, etc. etc.  Own your feelings and communicate them like an adult.

HEALTHY RESPONSE – Your husband just said something to you which sounded attacking and critical, but the solution is to not get in the sand box with him.  Be the adult and be direct:   I feel hurt, sad, and alone in the relationship when you talk to me like that.  If you feel angry and frustrated about something that I did then talk to me like an adult, but don’t push me against the wall with your words.

And that’s it folks.  Be respectful. Be an adult and for the love of god, be smart.

Ladies, I’m on my annual Mother’s Day soap box so make sure to watch today’s video below:

Yes, I confess that I have been M.I.A. from here the past 2 weeks.

Some of you may be wondering, “Really Carin, WTF have you been!?!”

The short of the long is that I had a some immediate administrative  curve balls to deal with in my private practice and I had no other choice but to put all other work, writing, etc. on hold.  That said, I surrendered to the paper shit storm and guess what?  It sucked.  Actually, it sucked bad  and maybe even beyond bad.  In fact, here’s a visual of how I felt:  Picture a 3 year old old girl tantruming on the floor with her arms and legs legs flailing in the air screaming, “I. Don’t. Want. To. Do. This!!!!”

Yup.  That’s how I felt.  I hated every minute of having to let go of my schedule.

However, my torturous surrender was smart.  Letting go of my need to be in control was very very smart.

Why?  Because it forced me to look at the 4 Ways of Living that Sabotage a Wife From Being Smart:

1) Striving for perfection –  It just doesn’t work.  In fact, it will do the opposite by creating a more stressful and anxiety ridden daily existence for you and hold you back from growing and evolving.

2) Assuming you always have the all the answers –  It’s one thing to trust that you will always arrive to an answer; it’s another thing to assume that you always have the answer.  Think of it this way:  If you hold a glass literally right up to your eyes, all you see is the glass and nothing else.  If you create space between you and the glass, you have room for more perspective and vision.  It’s the same thing when you hold all “your answers” up close to you without making room for understanding and knowing more.

3) Living with unrealistic expectations –  This goes hand in hand with perfection.   Holding on to belief systems (whether old or new) which are not in sync with your daily routine will only cause exhaustion, stress, and dissatisfaction for you.

4) Fighting the tide –  This says it all.  As uncomfortable as the waves of life are (and some days more than others), fighting it will only make it worse.  When curve balls come your way, feeling frustrated, angry and uncomfortable with the unexpected hiccup is okay.  Fighting the curve ball will only make you go from feeling like you want to scream like 3 year old to actually screaming like a 3 year old.

Hmmmm…now that would not be smart.

So there you have it, ladies:  Four imperative things to pay close attention to when striving to live a smart wife life.  Oh and by the way:  just because I write this, doesn’t mean it’s any easier for me.  I mean come on – if you think writing this post wasn’t also to help give me my own smart wife kick in the ass, then think again…

Come back Thursday for a Mother’s Day P.S.A….

The above was me the other day when I was frantically searching for the lid to my coffee mug.  Bleary eyed and swearing under my breath, I literally tore apart my kitchen looking for this damn to-go cup lid.  My kids waited at the front door, jackets on ready for school, observing me with their stoned face looks as I searched through the drawers like a lunatic. It was as if we were in the cutting room floor edited scene from  A Christmas Story as my oldest said to me:  Mommy, the lid is sitting next to cup.

That’s when I thought it would be smart to slow the f**k down this week.

So, because I’ve been dealing with some hellish administrative work in my private practice office I will be postponing this week’s posts until next week.  But for now, learn from me and be smart  by making sure that you’re not stressed to the point of total and complete unawareness.  You can’t be a smart wife if you’re spinning around like a lunatic.

Have a great week and I’ll be back here at the end of next week.

Are you and your old boyfriend engaging in some “harmless” Facebook flirting?

Do you and girlfriend’s husband engage in provocative sexual jokes over text?

Are you and your male co-worker grabbing one too many drinks after work before heading home to your significant others?

If any of the above are you, you might be engaging or at least beginning to engage in an emotional affair, hence avoiding the real issues in your own marriage.  Recently, I read this fantastic article by an esteemed colleague and one of my favorite marriage experts, Michele Weiner – Davis:

Check out   Emotional Affairs and Infidelity.

It’s very smart article and worth your while.

OK…we’re almost there:  On Monday, Spring Break (aka kill me now) will be officially over and the monkeys will be back in school.

So for now, check out this great article from Web MD called 6 Marriage Mistakes Women Make…it’s a smart one!

Are you making your relationship more important to you than you are to yourself?  Are you trying to make the relationship work with someone else who is not?  If so, you may be displaying co-dependent behaviors in your marriage.  Check out 5 examples which might resonate for you:

1.  Over pleasing –  Consistently taking care of your spouse’s needs before yours.  For some, it’s as severe as only caring for your husband’s needs and completely ignoring yours.

2.  Need to control the other’s thoughts/feelings – You find it painful and intolerant for your husband to have a thought, feeling or opinion that is different than yours.  As a result you consistently accuse your husband for being wrong and your husband regularly complains that you only care about you.

3.  Always pleading guilty – In an argument or conflict with your spouse you allow yourself to be a victim by always taking the blame in order to “fix” the situation.

4.  Over critical to yourself and other –  You have a strong internal critic and consistently beat yourself up even in situations where you should feel positive about yourself.  You spend excessive energy having a critical view of your spouse.

5.  Non accepting of your own feelings –  Having a wide range of feelings is non existent for you.  Anger and sadness are emotions that are difficult for you to even allow yourself to experience.

…and the list can go on for many.  That said, if you think that you are stuck in a codependent cycle with your loved one then I (once again) highly recommend the book Conscious Loving which help you understand the true difference between a codependent relationship and a healthy adult relationship.

So if any of the above is you, be smart and read Conscious Loving.

As Spring Break still envelopes my entire being, I thought I would share with you some of my 5 minute quick fixes which help ground me during my children’s 2 week mutiny:

1.  Journal – As much of a pain in the ass it can be to literally stop what I’m doing, sit down and just write down my feelings, usually within 2 minutes I start to gain perspective on what is really triggering my uneasy feelings.  Hence, my world starts to feel a bit more manageable.

2.  Make a coffee or cocktail date with a friend – Spending time with my closest girlfriends (especially over a vodka gimlet) is like medicine for my soul.  So if every day life is starting to take it’s toll, email your closest gal pal with a few calendar dates and get a finite plan in the books.  A smart wife makes sure she has play dates too.

3.  Make an appointment with “exercise” – We’ve all been there where the inspired thought, “I’m gonna exercise today!” just doesn’t happen.  That said, make yourself accountable and put it in the books as you would any other appointment.  Most importantly, remember how the benefits of exercise influence your mental and physical well being.

4.  Tidy up your house –  Not to get all feng shui here, but when my physical surroundings are in more order I can definitely think and react to those around me with a clearer mind.

5.  Plan a date night with your husband – Yes, the play dates should not end with just your gal pal.  Also, if cost is a concern, check out my date night post from last year.  Be creative, be smart, and book the next available Saturday night for the two of you.

And to any of you who are knee deep within your own Spring Break saga:  May the force be with you…

Spring Break.

What once was a delicious break from my college routine is now a yearly challenge of becoming my kids official “camp counselor” for two weeks.  However, despite my discomfort with routine change, during these weeks I am always reminded of how amazing and hilarious my kids are.  Yet I admit, by the end of the two weeks I am also reminded that (if they could) my children would purchase me as their round-a-clock slave giving me no food or water, stripping me of all my human rights.  Yes, this week it’s “kinda” all about them and as my human rights will be very tough to enforce into these two routine.  That said, this week’s posts will be short and sweet, but rich with stimulating information.

So today, check out this awesome article from last week’s New York Times:  It’s called The Brain on Love by Diane Ackerman.  This is definitely one of my favorite recent articles which really puts into perspective how our most intimate relationships effect the brain.

It’s a super smart article.  Read it and pass it on to others…

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.  Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. ~Katherine Hepburn

So am I suggesting that you and your husband move into seperate houses next door to eachother?

No.

What I am suggesting is that you and your husband read the following books:

WIVES – If you haven’t done it yet, check out and buy The Male Brain.

HUSBANDS –  If you haven’t done it yet, check out and buy The Female Brain.

Why?

Because you and he are simply wired differently.  So be smart and understand how the man in your life is wired…and if you really want to be smart, buy your husband The Female Brain. If he resists reading it, remind him that people get the best results in life when they read the instruction manual – ha.

Have a question for Carin?  Write in and your question will be answered in one of our Dear Carin posts or in our newly revised monthly newsletter…