Assuming the Worst Will Only Make it Worse

You’ve been feeling lonely and disconnected from your husband.  You finally have the guts to approach him and share your feelings.  You begin to emotionally strip yourself naked as the tears start to well up and you explain how unhappy you feel in the marriage.  As you continue to lament he looks at you like a deer caught in headlights saying nothing which causes you to feel worse.  Your palms begin to sweat and you feel like a hot mess as all you can hear is the screeching of your  (what feels like a) never ending ramble.  Suddenly, you stop talking and wait for him to respond. You look at him, he looks at you, you look at him, he looks at you.  You desperately want to hear his thoughts but the silence feels like a slow Chinese torture.  As your body is about to burst from anxiety you exclaim:  WHY AREN’T YOU SAYING ANYTHING??!!

He is immediately startled via your attack.  He pulls his body away and exclaims:  BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T ASK ME TO!!

You respond:  What are you talking about?!  You’re just sitting there staring at me like I’m pathetic!  YOU THINK I’M PATHETIC.

At this point your husband has either (A) left the room, (B) called you crazy and then left the room or (C) explains what’s really going on inside that noggin of his. So for the purposes of this post, let’s go with (C).

He stares at you with disdain (because he has no idea where your atom bomb came from) and says to you:  You’re talking to me, right??

You nod your head YES.

He continues:  Well obviously you’re upset and need to talk to me, so guess what I’m doing???

You think, you wonder, you can’t think of the answer so you ask him:   What?

He answers:   I’M LISTENING!!!!!

BOOM!

(That was you just shooting yourself in the foot)

I have had countless women in my practice who will talk about their husbands and say something like, “Well he doesn’t care about me the way he used to and I know he hates X, Y, and Z about me.”

To which I reply, “Well did he actually say that to you?” and 9 times out of 10 their answer is:  NO…but that’s what I think!!

Ladies:  If you try to read your husband’s mind as opposed to finding out what he’s thinking, then guess what?

You’re f****d.

That’s right – it’s a painful downward spiral from there.

So if you really want to be smart, don’t assume anything until you’ve truly checked it out with your husband.

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6 comments on “Assuming the Worst Will Only Make it Worse

  1. Michelle on said:

    This is so true, never assume what he’s thinking or feeling until you ask because you’re usually wrong!!!!

  2. Brook on said:

    Thank you for this post. I’m usually the one leaving the room thinking horrible thoughts in my head and just completely frustrated. I wish I knew how to reconnect. We are disconnected right now, and I’m lost. Not sure how much longer I can hang on feeling completely disconnected. I’ve tried my hardest to communicate to him how I’m feeling. He’s clueless as to what to do or say in response. Hence me taking the role as the “room leaver”. I haven’t given up, however, I am beyond frustrated and sometimes wonder if men and women were really meant to cohabitate. I’ve even found myself contemplating whether or not we really are meant to have just one marriage type commitment per lifetime. Verdict is still out…. Thanks again my Soul Sister ;)

  3. Carin Goldstein on said:

    I hate to sound shrinky and cliche, but would you guys ever do couple’s therapy? Having that 3rd party reflect back what is and isn’t and what IS needed for both in order for the relationship to thrive can make ALL the difference in the world…

  4. Carin Goldstein on said:

    Thanks for the comment Michelle

  5. Sandra on said:

    I felt lonely and disconnected from my husband for a long time and it was getting worse. I thought he was going through mid life crisis. I eventually found out that he was involved with another women (2 1/2 years) I found out by stumbling upon a phone bill. This is a man that I thought was incapable of lying. I realise that I am cynical but no stone should be left unturned when feeling disconnected from your spouse.

  6. Sandra on said:

    In addition, I have to say that I did not have the courage to say that I was worried about our relationship when I knew something was wrong. My situation would have been quite different if I had had that conversation with my husband. Carin, I agree with you.

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