5 Comments That Will Push Your Husband Far, Far, Far Away From You
I admit it.
In the past I’ve made a comment or two (or three or four) to my husband that if I were caught on camera one would think think:
(Gasp!) O.M.G. What a major bitch…!
Yes, I know you’ve been there too because what else are you bitching about with your girlfriends when the topic of husbands come up?
But I’m here to tell you that I’ve learned to tame my sharp tongue and reactions because to me, the damage my words can do is surely not worth it when it comes to my marriage and frankly, to any close relationship in my life. As much emotion, anger or frustration I may feel in the moment, the idea of saying something that could feel attacking, rejecting, condescending, etc. to my husband makes me feel sad (honestly).
Obviously, what’s giggled over Ladies’ Cocktail Hour stays in Ladies’ Cocktail Hour, but how you react, respond, communicate, etc. to your husband is for you to be accountable for and it wouldn’t hurt for you to scrape up some compassion as far as how you talk to him.
That said, below are examples of 5 comments that will surely erode the relationship:
1) What’s wrong with you??
Honestly, the above is comparable to chopping off his penis.
Saying it in a laughing, fun gesture is one thing, but when you respond with the above because your husband forgot to pick up the milk on the way home, I can assure you that he’ll never ever offer to pick up the milk again.
HEALTHY RESPONSE – Attacking someone with words is a sideways way of expressing your feelings. If you feel frustrated that he forgot “the one thing” you asked him to do, instead try this: I know you’re not trying to forget what I asked you to do, but when you do forget what I’ve asked you to help me with I feel like my needs don’t matter. Will you please do what ever you can to remember next time?
2) What were you thinking?!
When your husband comes home and shares with you how a situation he handled at work backfired on him, my guess is that he’s looking for some compassion and support and not some devaluing Simon Cowell stab.
HEALTHY RESPONSE – You’re allowed to not agree with how your husband handles certain situations with other people, but if your husband didn’t ask for your opinion then you most certainly should pipe the f*ck down. However, if he did ask for you opinion then he’s looking to problem solve, not to be felt like a joke. Instead, try this: Well if it were me I probably would have said this __________.
Keep it simple and non critical.
3) That’s all you did??
Look: in a perfect world our husbands would read our minds in the most symbiotic, fantastical way. But that’s not reality (yes, it’s time for you to wake the f*ck up). If you have an expectation of something that your husband is going to do, own your assumptions rather than vomit your disappointment in his general direction.
HEALTHY RESPONSE – Your husband said he was going to help you straighten up the kids rooms for you while you go to the market. You come home to find his definition of straightening up the kids rooms is the the sheets are pulled up to the top of the beds and the toys are are all pushed up to one side of the wall. In your head you’re thinking your 6 year old could do a better job straightening up. However, one hopes that you also realize that you were not as specific with what “straightening up the kids rooms” means. So instead try this: I really appreciate you offering to straighten up their rooms. I realize that I made a mistake not being more specific with you about where the toys should go and how the beds are made, so next time I’ll be more specific. Thanks for your help though!
4) Stop touching me.
Yikes. We all know this one: Hubby wants to get sexy times on and you’d rather stick needles in your eyes after the vomit puking, child screaming, work stress day you’ve had. But guess what? You’re allowed to feel that way and you’re allowed to select the pause button in response.
HEALTHY RESPONSE - Instead try this: (give a kiss/hug in return…come on he needs a frikkin’ bone) Honey, I just need to decompress from the day so that I can really be present with you.
He’s not stupid – he’ll get the hint without you making him feel like a total reject. The only caveat is this doesn’t mean you get a free hall pass for the week: You’re just as responsible for your sexual relationship as he is so #1, do what ever jedi mind tricks you have to do to get present for sex and #2, it’s your responsibility to let him know when you’re ready and able!
5) You’re pathetic!
Ouuuuuuch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
Ladies, this is sooooo not cool to say to anyone. How old are you??? Kids say this to other kids when they feel angry, hurt, sad, dissapointed, etc. etc. Own your feelings and communicate them like an adult.
HEALTHY RESPONSE – Your husband just said something to you which sounded attacking and critical, but the solution is to not get in the sand box with him. Be the adult and be direct: I feel hurt, sad, and alone in the relationship when you talk to me like that. If you feel angry and frustrated about something that I did then talk to me like an adult, but don’t push me against the wall with your words.
And that’s it folks. Be respectful. Be an adult and for the love of god, be smart.