5 Steps to Feeling Confident in Your Marriage

Over the years I have seen countless women both professionally and personally who without being aware, slip into an insecure, child-like place in their marriage, lacking any confidence to just be themselves.  This can happen to any woman for many different reasons.  However, I have seen many wives who, because they have never worked through their own child hood inferiority complex, have now  unconsciously displaced childhood feelings into their marriage.

Ladies, let me tell you right now that this is a dangerous and unsafe place for ANY of your to be.  Think about it: would ANY person in a marriage be safe if a child was the one making all sorts of emotional decisions in the marriage?  The answer is simple:  Disaster beyond comprehension.

So..if you’re one of those women who feels like an adult in every other place in your life (ie: work -place, parenting, friends, etc.) except in your marriage, here are 5 steps to help you find and hold onto the adult (you) in your marriage:

  1. Name what your current fear based feelings are in your marriage – Examples: Do you feel fear when your husband makes a critical remark toward you?  Do you feel flooded with anger when your husband walks away from you in the middle of a conversation?
  2. Connect the fear based feeling to the past – Is your fear based reaction to your husband’s vocal criticism reminiscent of your father criticizing your behavior at 8 years old? Is the anger you feel when your husband walks away from you in mid-sentence a jarring reminder of your mother walking away from you at age 6 while you were in tears out of sheer frustration?
  3. Send it back to where it belongs (out of your marriage!) – Once you are able to connect the dots, take a moment alone to visualize yourself boxing that feeling and sending it away back into your past where it belongs.   Close the door to that past memory, throw away the key and walk away.
  4. 4. Visualize examples of where/when you feel confident today – Think of moments in the present where you feel like a confident adult who trusts herself with the highest esteem:  with close friends, at the work place, as a parent with your children, etc.  Get very specific with the example you choose and literally visualize how confident you feel in that space.
  5. Place the visual into the present. Own it. – With your new visual, place it now in the present: in your marriage.  Embody that confident adult no matter what you feel comes your way in your relationship.

Obviously, sharing these 5 steps with you is pretty simple…executing them is the challenge.  However, with time, practice, and trust in your abilities, I know that you can achieve all 5 steps if you are willing push through the process.  In time, the feelings of your past will become less and how you react in your marriage will no longer be weighed down by your anxiety from the past.


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2 comments on “5 Steps to Feeling Confident in Your Marriage

  1. Melina on said:

    This post came as such a good time! I’m starting something new and different tomorrow that I have yet to tell my husband about because I am afraid of what he will think. I hate feeling stupid and he has never given any indication in the 7 years we’ve been together of ever judging me. But it goes back to feelings in my past from school and home that always make me doubt myself. I’ll be telling him my plans today, so here is to building my confidence in myself! Thanks for this article!

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