3 Clues That You’re Feeling Angry at Your Husband (and How to Manage it)
Growing up in earthquake friendly California I became very familiar with the safety drill, “Drop, Cover, Hold on.” Once the rumbling under my feet began to quiver, that’s exactly what did.
But today, let’s talk about the rumbling you’re feeling as a result of your anger. Yes, possibly anger you feel toward your husband. However, the big ole’ problem for many is that you’re not even aware of it, hence it’s spilling out sideways making an unnecessary mess for both you and him. So let’s look at 3 of the most popular clues that there’s some serious anger rumbling inside of you and that it’s time to “Stop, Sit and Breath”:
1) Physical Visceral Sensation – Ever experience this: You and your spouse are talking, he says something that was not very polite, and all of a sudden your body starts to feel as if hot liquid is running through your veins starting from your feet and going straight up? I have also heard women report how their stomach felt as if it was going to explode like a boiling pot after a certain interaction with their husband. These are both very common somatic reactions that some women feel when either not feeling connected to their emotion of anger or (without knowing) not feeling confident to even feel or express their anger to their husband.
Solution: Well, your body is clearly screaming to you, “I AM SO F***ING PISSED!!!!!!” That being said, for god’s sake listen to your body! Every red siren is going off and it’s your job to honor your feelings, and understand them so that you can communicate your anger appropriately. The alternative is to become that boiling pot you are feeling in the depths of your gut, which would be a huge hot mess. Definitely not smart.
2) Hyper critical comments – Come on…no one likes a nit picker and I know you don’t like watching yourself overly harping on your husband every time he doesn’t make the bed The Four Seasons style (he made the frikkin’ bed so be happy). So if it’s not like you to be snipping at every move that he makes, yet you’re obsessed with every little “mistake” he makes lately, then MAYBE it’s time to pay attention to clue #2. Maybe your not-so-normal critical statements are really about underlying anger you’re feeling toward him about something that has nothing to do with how he makes the bed.
Solution: Once you recognize and hear your snipping voice at him, STOP. It’s time to get into rumbling safety mode where you literally need to stop, sit and breath. Try to get into touch with what the feelings really are inside of you before engaging with him in conversation. What are you feeling? Underneath all the anger, are you really feeling sad about something in the marriage? Etc. Once you connect with yourself, you are in a much better place to communicate your feelings effectively. Nit picking will only push him away more. where as if you own your feelings, he just might hear you. Smart.
3) Zero Interest in Sex - Oh how I wish I could collect a dollar every time I heard a woman complain how sex with her husband is the last thing on her mind while simultaneously not feeling very appreciated by her husband lateley. Ladies, if all your life you’ve had a healthy libido and suddenly one day (poof!), it’s just gone, then (pending there are no physical issues or immediate crises) chances are that you’re feeling something and I’m going to guess it might be anger.
Solution: It amazes me how so many women are automatically feeling more attracted to their partner once she has had the opportunity to work through her anger in an appropriate way. So if sexy times have been completely void and you think that you may be one of those closet angry wives, then it’s time for a serious check in with yourself about what you are truly feeling so that you don’t end up depriving yourself of one of life’s very simple pleasures (yes, sex). Journal, mediate, talk to a friend, talk to a counselor, take a walk alone, etc., do whatever you can do to connect to the feelings. Once you do that, be brave and take advantage of what could actually become an intimate opportunity for the two of you by sharing with him what’s troubling you in the marriage. Own your feelings and ask him to just listen. If all goes well, here’s the cherry: HUG. Yes, hug for at least 10 seconds. Get that oxytocin (bonding hormone) flowing and in no time your friendly libido will be happily back in town.
Come back this Thursday for more tips on how to be smart in your marriage…