The GOLDEN KEY to being SMART in any relationship…
I cannot begin to tell you how may times I hear from patients, friends and even strangers:
“I CAN’T BELIEVE I SPOKE TO HIM/HER THAT WAY…I’M A TERRIBLE PERSON!!!”
That is when I STOP the person or patient dead in their “thinking” tracks and say to him or her: “So what?!? You think you’re supposed to be perfect??? NO! You need to focus on REPAIR.”
Yes, folks: REPAIR.
It is truly that simple, and yet SO many of you are not doing it for various reasons whether it’s your ego, not knowing better, guilt, etc.
So when I say REPAIR, this is what I mean:
Let’s say you said something to your husband which was expressed in a critical, vile, and attacking way and it only made the situation worse. Right about now he’s probably angry as all hell with you, feeling wounded (even if he doesn’t admit it) by your words, and you feel like “the biggest b*tch” on earth.
At this point you’re in the thick of what best selling author, Dr. Dan Siegel calls: a TOXIC RUPTURE.
Ewwwww, right? Just the sound of those two words sounds damaging. Now here is where most couples sadly and unknowingly dig their relationship into a deeper, darker hole as both members of the couple allow the verbal altercation to just fade away on it’s own without discussing what just happened. Hence, you have a TOXIC RUPTURE.
Why do people do this? Well, obviously it’s for all kinds of different reasons, but the common denominator would most likely be avoidance.
Here’s the deal: If your marriage or relationship has ongoing ruptures, followed by avoidance of discussing what just happened between you and your partner, those ruptures will forever chip away at the foundation of the relationship. Avoidance = Damage.
But now we’ll rewind…
Let’s go back to you having not been smart with how you spoke to your partner and you feeling like the cruelest of cruel EVER. OK, so you feel like a terrible person, but what’s the guilt going to do for you?? Uhmmmmmm…..NOTHING — seriously, nothing.
Did you regress into your own childlike emotional state when you yelled at him:
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!!! HOW AM I MARRIED TO YOU?!?!?”
Yes. You regressed with flying colors in fact. However, you’re not perfect, and you’re human. So you need to look at WHY you said what you said. What were the feelings underneath it all? Were you feeling angry? Sad? Scared? Frustrated beyond words? You need to find out what’s really going on inside of you and hightail it back to your partner. Then, you approach him and say:
“Honey, you have every reason to feel angry right now and you don’t have to say anything in response…I am truly sorry for my behavior…It simply wasn’t okay for me to completely chew you out about the mess from the kids which I came home to. It was my own frustration of feeling the weight of the household responsibilities these days and I should’ve owned my feelings and expressed it to you in a completely different way…or at least asked for help in a more productive way…it just wasn’t okay for me to flip out on you the way I did and next time I will be mindful of how I express my feelings without attacking. It wasn’t fair to you at all.”
Etc., etc., or something along the lines of the above……….get it??
And that is what what I call REPAIR folks…it’s simple and it’s necessary. For the sake of having a vital, healthy marriage, it is undoubtedly, F***ING SMART.
Come back this Thursday for more marriage tips..videos will be back this Thursday…hallelujah.