One of the most KEY ingredients to having a satisfying marriage just might be at your fingertips so watch the video below and then after, make sure you read the article below the video:

So now that you’ve watched the video, read the following article http://www.women.com/reinventing-yourself/ and let me know what you think!

Growing up in earthquake friendly California I became very familiar with the safety drill, “Drop, Cover, Hold on.”  Once the rumbling under my feet began to quiver, that’s exactly what did.

But today, let’s talk about the rumbling you’re feeling as a result of your anger.  Yes, possibly anger you feel toward your husband.  However, the big ole’ problem for many is that you’re not even aware of it, hence it’s spilling out sideways making an unnecessary mess for both you and him.  So let’s look at 3 of the most popular clues that there’s some serious anger rumbling inside of you and that it’s time to “Stop, Sit and Breath”:

1) Physical Visceral Sensation – Ever experience this:  You and your spouse are talking, he says something that was not very polite, and all of a sudden your body starts to feel as if hot liquid is running through your veins starting from your feet and going straight up?  I have also heard women report how their stomach felt as if it was going to explode like a boiling pot after a certain interaction with their husband.  These are both very common somatic reactions that some women feel when either not feeling connected to their emotion of anger or (without knowing) not feeling confident to even feel or express their anger to their husband.

Solution:  Well, your body is clearly screaming to you, “I AM SO F***ING PISSED!!!!!!” That being said, for god’s sake listen to your body!  Every red siren is going off and it’s your job to honor your feelings, and understand them so that you can communicate your anger appropriately.  The alternative is to become that boiling pot you are feeling in the depths of your gut, which would be a huge hot mess.  Definitely not smart.

2) Hyper critical comments – Come on…no one likes a nit picker and I know you don’t like watching yourself overly harping on your husband every time he doesn’t make the bed The Four Seasons style (he made the frikkin’ bed so be happy).  So if it’s not like you to be snipping at every move that he makes, yet you’re obsessed with every little “mistake” he makes lately, then MAYBE it’s time to pay attention to clue #2.  Maybe your not-so-normal critical statements are really about underlying anger you’re feeling toward him about something that has nothing to do with how he makes the bed.

Solution:  Once you recognize and hear your snipping voice at him, STOP.  It’s time to get into rumbling safety mode where you literally need to stop, sit and breath.  Try to get into touch with what the feelings really are inside of you before engaging with him in conversation.  What are you feeling? Underneath all the anger, are you really feeling sad about something in the marriage? Etc.  Once you connect with yourself, you are in a much better place to communicate your feelings effectively.  Nit picking will only push him away more. where as  if you own your feelings, he just might hear you.  Smart.

3) Zero Interest in Sex - Oh how I wish I could collect a dollar every time I heard a woman complain how sex with her husband is the last thing on her mind while simultaneously not feeling very appreciated by her husband lateley.  Ladies, if all your life you’ve had a healthy libido and suddenly one day (poof!), it’s just gone, then (pending there are no physical issues or immediate crises) chances are that you’re feeling something and I’m going to guess it might be anger.

Solution: It amazes me how so many women are automatically feeling more attracted to their partner once she has had the opportunity to work through her anger in an appropriate way.  So if sexy times have been completely void and you think that you may be one of those closet angry wives, then it’s time for a serious check in with yourself about what you are truly feeling so that you don’t end up depriving yourself of one of life’s very simple pleasures (yes, sex).  Journal, mediate, talk to a friend, talk to a counselor, take a walk alone, etc., do whatever you can do to connect to the feelings.  Once you do that, be brave and take advantage of what could actually become an intimate opportunity for the two of you by sharing with him what’s troubling you in the marriage.  Own your feelings and ask him to just listen.  If all goes well, here’s the cherry:  HUG.  Yes, hug for at least 10 seconds.  Get that oxytocin (bonding hormone) flowing and in no time your friendly libido will be happily back in town.

Come back this Thursday for more tips on how to be smart in your marriage…

There’s an old saying:  Ignorance is bliss.

Hmmmm…

Well, when it comes to your marriage…not so much. It’s more like:  Ignornace is piss.

(Sorry for the potty humor – - clearly I’m around 6 year old boys too much.)

Let’s face it ladies:  not being aware of what’s not working in your marriage is a recipe for a disaster.  So coming off the heels of Tuesday’s post about how your past can effect your confidence within your marriage, I decided to share another of my Your Tango videos about how your unawareness of old unhealthy relationships can effect not only the kind of partner you choose, but how you choose to be in the relationship.

So to all my divorcee ladies out there, if you’re worried about making similar choices the second time around, have no fear and watch today’s video for some good tips:

Over the years I have seen countless women both professionally and personally who without being aware, slip into an insecure, child-like place in their marriage, lacking any confidence to just be themselves.  This can happen to any woman for many different reasons.  However, I have seen many wives who, because they have never worked through their own child hood inferiority complex, have now  unconsciously displaced childhood feelings into their marriage.

Ladies, let me tell you right now that this is a dangerous and unsafe place for ANY of your to be.  Think about it: would ANY person in a marriage be safe if a child was the one making all sorts of emotional decisions in the marriage?  The answer is simple:  Disaster beyond comprehension.

So..if you’re one of those women who feels like an adult in every other place in your life (ie: work -place, parenting, friends, etc.) except in your marriage, here are 5 steps to help you find and hold onto the adult (you) in your marriage:

1. Name what your current fear based feelings are in your marriage – Examples: Do you feel fear when your husband makes a critical remark toward you?  Do you feel flooded with anger when your husband walks away from you in the middle of a conversation?
2. Connect the fear based feeling to the past – Is your fear based reaction to your husband’s vocal criticism reminiscent of your father criticizing your behavior at 8 years old? Is the anger you feel when your husband walks away from you in mid-sentence a jarring reminder of your mother walking away from you at age 6 while you were in tears out of sheer frustration?
3. Send it back to where it belongs (out of your marriage!) – Once you are able to connect the dots, take a moment alone to visualize yourself boxing that feeling and sending it away back into your past where it belongs.   Close the door to that past memory, throw away the key and walk away.
4. 4. Visualize examples of where/when you feel confident today – Think of moments in the present where you feel like a confident adult who trusts herself with the highest esteem:  with close friends, at the work place, as a parent with your children, etc.  Get very specific with the example you choose and literally visualize how confident you feel in that space.
5. Place the visual into the present. Own it. – With your new visual, place it now in the present: in your marriage.  Embody that confident adult no matter what you feel comes your way in your relationship.

Obviously, sharing these 5 steps with you is pretty simple…executing them is the challenge.  However, with time, practice, and trust in your abilities, I know that you can achieve all 5 steps if you are willing push through the process.  In time, the feelings of your past will become less and how you react in your marriage will no longer be weighed down by your anxiety from the past.

Need I say more?

(thank you title)

In all seriousness, check out the video below as one of my favorite  relationship experts, Dr. Laura Berman, offers some tangible advice on how to fire up sexy times between you and your husband this year and steer your relationship on track.

So if you have kids, lock your door, watch the video and take copious notes because her advice is smart.

Everyone wants to know the secret to a long lasting marriage.  That said, I personally think there are several ingredients that can make or break a marriage, #1 being:  be an adult.  Both people in the marriage need to be the adults, because “children playing house” will always end in a disaster and for some people that can ultimately lead to divorce.  There are several other key factors that I planned to write about today until I came across this fantastic article: Don’t Bother Rekindling Your Marriage…Create Something New. The article is written by a colleague, Dr. Corey Allan, editor of Simple Marriage (an excellent marriage blog written by a very smart husband, ladies) and this is a must read article for anyone who is married as Corey outlines in 4 simple action steps on how you can bring back a lasting bond/connection in your marriage.

So here is your homework:

1)  Read the article Don’t Bother Rekindling Your Marriage…Create Something New

2) Start looking at/thinking about how YOU can implement the steps from the article into your marriage.

3) Send the article to your husband. I did.  Yes, THAT would be smart.

Make sure to check out Dr. Corey Allan’s marriage blog Simple Marriage and come back Thursday for more smart marriage tips.

Last year I owned my part as far as my crack-berry confession and although I may trip at times, it’s always on my frontal lobe to lessen my smartphone time when around my husband.  However, many of you are struggling with the opposite:  His crack-berry addiction when it’s time to have couple time or family time.  It’s a new year ladies, and that means the new you needs to set the standard as far as quality couple time and family time.  Here’s how to keep him accountable for his choices without attacking him:

Happy New Year to you all!!!  Now let’s cut to the chase:

Just because I write and create these videos about how to be smarter in your marriage doesn’t mean that I’m always perfect (hardly, and if anyone tells you that they are, ask them what he or she is smoking).  I’m a work in progress just like the rest of you and to prove it I’d like to share with you my Top 10 “Wife” Resolutions for 2012:

1. Listen better –  This means that when my husband is talking to me, I’m practicing setting aside my own ego driven thoughts, feelings, mental rants so that I can give myself the chance to actually understand him (imagine that, right??).  And yes, he may not be conscious of it but when I’m not really listening, he probably feels it.  Hence, listening to him all around is SMART.
2. Validate what he does do –  Here’s the hard cold facts:   His idea of “helping me” is constantly loading up the washer with the kids’ laundry.  My fantasy idea of him “helping me” is him throwing the kids in the car on a Saturday at 8:00 am (without me even asking – oh how delicious) for a fun filled morning and not returning with them till lunch time.  For now, it’s just smarter for me to say “thank you” to what he is already doing and not turn into a constant complaining bitch.
3. Offer more hugs to him –  If I need and expect the hugs so badly, then why wouldn’t he?
4. Stop complaining ad nauseum about whatever –  Talking like a victim is just note sexy.  Period.
5. Accept responsibility –  Just own it rather than spending endless minutes trying to explain to him why I feel like I’m not wrong.  Basically, validate his damn feelings for pete’s sake.  Would it kill me? No…it wouldn’t.
6. Once the kids are in bed, less time on Facebook, and more time time with husband -  I know very well that actions speak louder than words to him.
7. Clean up enabling patterns from 2011 –  Ewwwww.  God dammit, I did it again this year.  Time to clean up any of “those” bad habits that sprung up again this past year.
8. Postpone serious conversations when I’ve only had 3 hours of sleep – Oh, yes.  I tripped over that one this past year and it was not pretty.  I might as well have loaded up on some hallucinogenic, agro-steroid drug and tried talking to him then.  Note to self:  Be smart and go the f*** to bed.
9. Remind myself that under his tough, alpha exterior, that he has feelings too –  Having a penis does not equal absence of feelings…quite the contrary.
10. Surrender more to the fact that it’s not my job to fix him/help him/change him, etc. –  My job is to help me.  As far as him, my job is to allow him to be in charge of his own journey and be of support when needed.  With that said, God help me…

So there you have it folks…My personal Top 10 “Wife” Resolutions for 2012.   What are YOURS?? We’d love to hear from you…write us or leave a comment below.

Also, check out my article on Women.com – Top 10 Basic Needs for Every Woman in 2012.  Enjoy and come back on Thursday for more New Year’s tips!

Sh*t.

Another year just FRIKKIN’ FLEW by…

…and so will next year.

That being said, what will YOU do to make your new “wife year” different, better, happier, healthier, stronger, more satisfying, SMARTER, etc.??

(I’ll tell you what I’m focusing on doing, but that’s one of my posts for next week…ha.)

Ladies, it’s a brand new f*cking year and the only person who can make it better is YOU, so let’s close out the year with our top BTSW posts from 2011…

…but before I do allow me to say THANK YOU to all of you who tune in here every week and who write in with your comments, questions, thoughts, feelings, etc…I appreciate each and every one of you.  Stay tuned to 2012 as “Be the Smart Wife” brings you a “whole lot-ta” new and different nuggets through out the new year!

Top 10 Posts of 2011

#1   Your husband Wants a Threesome?!?!

#2   Date Night Options for Any Couple

#3   What to do With Those Damn Feelings

#4   One Very Simple Tip to Rev Up the Sex

#5   The Difference Between Him and Her

#6   You’re beating a Dead Horse

#7   Sleep is the New SMART

#8   Don’t be the  Dummy Wife Like I Was Last Month

#9   The False Alarm D-bomb is a Big No-No

#10  Here’s How You May be Torturing Yourself in your Marriage

Posts will resume again after Jan 2nd so see you all then and HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!

In case any of you missed last month’s clip, here’s why DATE NIGHT this holiday season (and any season for that matter) is SMART…

…Do it.

PLEASE.